Yesterday, it was beautiful outside. The sun was shinning and the temperature was a comfortable 73/74. So....we decided to take a ride. Mom was asked and she said yes, so off we went.
We first went to eat lunch. She ate and carried on a conversation that gave no indication that she was not feeling well. She is good at "keeping up appearances". Although getting her from the car, into Taco Bell, and then back into the car after eating was a trial to her.
We drove around just to enjoy the day, but when I would try to talk to Mom, it was an effort on her part to hear and respond. I would ask if she wanted to go back home, but the answer was always no. I did notice that she spent most of the riding with her eyes closed. I really think she gets dizzy when trying to focus...she will not admit she has trouble seeing. In fact, I believe she is more blind that sighted.
Anyway, we went to K Mart to shop and look around. She has her wheelchair, so her only exercise was to exit the car and sit down. We did all the pushing...she did all the riding.
On the way home, she was dozing and complaining of how tired she was. What??? When we got home, she sat down in her chair and fell asleep. And slept off and on for the rest of the evening. She laid down for an hour or two, got up, slept in her chair, went back to bed.
She did not eat anything else for the rest of the day, and most days she eats and snacks throughout. I gave her crackers at the side of her bed because she was saying her stomach felt queasy. She ate one over the next several hours!!!
This morning she was later than usual coming out of her bedroom, and I was a little nervous about opening her door. When I did, I found her sitting on the side of her bed looking very poorly. She was talking "weakly" and just sitting. I have been waiting for her to come out and she is still in her bedroom. I guess if I looked in on her I would find her back in bed. (just looked, and yes she is back to laying down.)
Both Harry and I thought she wanted to go out yesterday. She got up and had a good morning. She was talking and praying with us and acted excited about getting out. She has stated several times to phone callers how she was doing a lot of staying in her chair. The weather has been cold and rainy and she was looking forward to a sunny day to get out....
Last week we had her on antibiotics for her recurring bladder infection. She perked back up after the medicine. We thought she was doing good. I have to continually remind myself and Harry that we cannot respond to some of the comments she makes. Her memory of days gone by is the foundation she speaks on, but her reality is very different. What she says she wants is usually different to what she is able to do.
I realize she does a lot of sitting around and I feel as if I should be forcing her to get up and DO something. She used to wash morning dishes and fold towels, etc. to contribute to the working of the household, but she has stopped doing those things. Since I never asked her to do those things but did not stop her from doing them I was not offended when she slowed down. I want her to have an easy routine, to enjoy her days, to talk to friends...
I think about how she talks of the things that kept her busy "back home" and how much she worked around her house and wonder if I did wrong in bringing her here to Baton Rouge. Then I start thinking of the condition of her home when we made the decision to move her, and I have to admit her speaking is in memory of days gone by. Over the past year as I would take her back to Alexandria for visits, I would watch how she would act in her home, but I have to admit she did the same there and she does here. Sleeps off and on all day long, and does not do anything for the upkeep of the house.
She talks about missing her home, her front porch, her family....but she will not go outside to sit to enjoy the sun here and she never wants me to call anyone for her. If she is called, she talks, but she will not initiate the call. And in all the times we went back to Alexandria, she never sat on her porch. She would make excuses of sitting out later, tomorrow, when it's warmer, when it's cooler.... So once again, I have to remind myself to let her comments float away without comments from me. (please no comments about how hard that must be for me, ha ha)
My personal opinion is that Mom is depressed. She wants to be back in Alexandria, she has not accepted her need to be here, she feels she has to go along with what we make her do. She wants to be in Alexandria. She thinks it would be like it was 10 years ago (she does not have a clear view of how is was last year). I hate to think about more drugs.
Then she does something that makes my personal opinion change to old age dementia (I think she took a shower with her hearing aids in, and they are not supposed to get wet, so I think they don't work so good anymore). Maybe it's both!
Anyway...here we are. Another day to praise the Lord and enjoy family. I love my momma and I am glad I have this opportunity to share our lives. She will never be a burden. She will always be a blessing! I know harder days are coming and I expect the Lord to get us all through. He is able to do it, amen!
