Dear Family,
This will be the last automatically delivered Blog entry. I will still be writing in this journal, but I will not be sending them out. If you want to see what I write, I guess you will have to save this web site.
When I say Mom cries all the time, I really mean all the time. If she is awake, she is tearful, sobbing quietly, or outright weeping! She cries out to the Lord "why do You keep me here in so much pain? I should not have lived this long. What's the point of being alive when I can't move without pain!" Scary words for me to listen to...
When the pain pills are at their peak, she is "normal" and talks, well...tells stories that all I have to do is listen. She doesn't want or need any participation from me. And this morning finally, finally, finally she spoke out loud what I have had in my heart for the past two years.
After a rough, painful morning, she was crying for all the "babies" she hadn't seen in so long. When I said she sees them, she said "No, they don't come to see me and I can't go to them," and she said it in anger! So I told her she needed to speak that feeling to her children and she said "No, you know that's not the way I am."
But I am that way, so here it is. Shame on you all! There is no family member without a cell phone. A cell phone that can call anywhere in the United States...but do those cell phones call this house to speak to your mother, grandmother, great grandmother? NO! I have requested over the past two years for you to call on your way to where-ever is more important than here. Mom does not need long conversations; she can't keep up. She just wants to hear the voice of one of her loved ones. How hard can that be to honor that need? Shame on you.
She's the momma. She should not have to be the one to call you! Every one of you (except the good one, Joe, who calls three times a week) should be ashamed of yourselves. So what if you have busy lives. I bet you carve out time to watch TV, go drinking and seeing friends, drive to other cities to see friends and family (more important than your mother/grandmother?), go to a movie, go shopping, etc. etc.
I counted the family members that live here in Baton Rouge. Mike, Sally, Lisa; Laurie, Brent Sr, Mearidith, Kyle; Deanna, Meegan, Heather, and all the additional babies. Also there are family members that come into town, but rarely make it over here to say hi. Shame on you.
I feel like an only child...no one offers to visit long enough for me to take a break, go out with my husband, take a nap, take a walk out in the sun. Whatever! No one offers to pick Mom up for an evening at their house. There is always an excuse...shame on you!
My children allow me to get out on occasion. Melissa or Stephanie will keep watch for me to get out, but what about all the rest of the family? You know, it really isn't about me getting out. I am a home body at heart. I enjoy puttering around the house. I don't need to walk the mall, or go out shopping, etc. So forget about me. Think about your mom/grandmother. She needs to know she is still remembered, loved, and thought of.
I have talked to the Lord about this a lot. I have wanted to speak out for so long. But I must admit, the Lord did not give me the sense that I should speak before now. I feel He has released me to speak, so I will. But this will be the last time I say anything. Some of you will be highly offended. Too bad! Some of you will miss the chance to say "I love you, Mom/Grandma/Granny." How sad!
Go back over some of my old entries and realize how fast Mom is losing ground and then maybe she will get some phone calls from somebody...
This entry is mainly for her children. I realize grandchildren might not have close ties with the grandparent but maybe some of you might want to speak to her before you lose her forever...think about it...
Oh, and by the way, this is not for a one-time phone call. If you are moved by this entry remember she needs contact often. Surely family members in town can come by more than once a month.
I have been (jokingly, with a laugh, most likely really mean it) accused of being bossy and opinionated...well, so be it. Call your mother/grandmother or my opinion of loving family members will be adjusted accordingly.
Like I said, I feel the Lord released me to say these things now. Maybe there is a reason He is letting me speak....
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Brain Sparks
Today was a fairly easy day. Last night was not. I am usually up several times for myself, but add to that the several times I was called by mom, and I find myself sleep deprived. I couldn't even sleep late because I had a morning appointment with my doctor.
All is well with me and my blood work. No signs of pre-diabetes, etc. Blood pressure under control, etc. etc. Thank You Lord, I'm good for another 50,000 thousand miles, ha ha.
Because of little sleep, I did a lot of sitting around in front of the TV. Mom was in her chair and was having a so-so day. She had been doing a lot of complaining about her hip and leg so she had been getting pain meds around the clock. Low grade doses.
This afternoon she was in an "awake" mode. Not that she was able to keep up with any conversations or even follow the TV programing, but she was talking....
All I had to do was listen, smile, nod my head, say uh huh, etc. She started saying memory statements that had no connection to each other. When I realized what she was saying, I got a notebook and started writing down the different directions her brain was going in. It lasted about a half hour...
From out of thin air, mom made a comment about a note Melissa wrote to her dad years ago when she was a little girl. As I was responding to that statement, she told me what a great singer Perry Como was. That followed with how Vicki always ran to their momma and Sylvia always ran to their grandma when they were in trouble and needed a whipping. She followed that memory with a story about her neighbor friend and then about a man her momma knew that used to pull practical jokes on his wife. As she was talking about the DeBens who used to roll cigars at her house with Angie, I realized none of the above statements were complete stories, just disjointed statements. That's when I got the pencil and paper.
3:25pm - There was a man who lived in Pineville around where Melba lived who killed his girlfriend and hung her on a tree. I don't think they ever found the guy who did it.
3:26 - Vicki and I would laugh so hard at Martha Ray. Our neighbor would call through the window that he could hear us. That was a time when no one locked their doors in DeRidder. That's when everybody was celebrating the army troops...
3:30 - when we were going to N.O. and we passed the airport, the planes were so low they scared Laurie.
3:31 - when we visited in the country, everyone had mosquito netting. There were cracks in the walls and floors. Just like at Butch and Diane's house before the fixed it up.
3:32 - I used to know all the theme songs from the radio and that was where I first met Mr. Dietz. I was singing at work and had a banana hanging from my ear, that Chiquita banana song and Mr. Dietz asked who I was...(she said more about him, but I stop listening when she starts on him)
3:35 - the first year in DeRidder daddy called me one morning and asked me if I was awake. When I told him no, he told me to look out the window. It was snowing and he took off to take me around to enjoy the snow.
3:36 I was sitting over the floor furnace and as I was talking, my wedding ring fell into the furnace. I started crying, but daddy got it for me.
3:38 - Remember that country boy on TV from Williamsburg? The one who worked with wood? (we were watching PBS and Norm was on. This was the only statement that was connected to something we were watching!)
3:40 - Martha Chase was a great crocheter. She made little hats and blankets for new born babies in her town. She lived by the mountains and would tell me to be careful when I climbed them. Don was my fun friend. Martha never understood what we were laughing at.
3:45 - I used to love what Martha Stewart used to do on TV. She looked just like her mother.
3:47 - Everyone says I looked like my mother.
3:48 We has so much extra milk when we lived in the country. I asked Frankie if she knew anyone who could use the milk for their kids. There was an army man with kids and his mother. The grandmother gave me a quilt.
3:50 - I had a cane wrapped with rope, and when I was in the bread store someone came along and stole it from me.
3:53 - when we first met with Butch, he thought all you kids were just like me, always having fun. That was when I bought that straight hair wig and had so much fun fooling everybody.
3:54 That was the year the Sound of Music came out. She gave me a big hat and as I was going out, I threw that hat into the air and started to sing "the hills are alive with the sound of music..." Butch just laughed and said I was the only one he could goof around with.
As I was waiting for the next thought to be spoken, I realized she was done. She gazed off into the air and slowly fell asleep. About an hour later she did the same thing again, but I didn't take notes. It didn't last as long. At dinner, she said a few disjointed things and ate her food.
Although I did not write everything down verbatim, the times and what she said are fairly accurate. There were no rational statements in between these comments. She spoke, I listened and wrote, she stopped...
Tonight she is enjoying watching the Golden Girls and I will be helping her to bed in a while. Her leg continues to ache her... She continues to cry...
All is well with me and my blood work. No signs of pre-diabetes, etc. Blood pressure under control, etc. etc. Thank You Lord, I'm good for another 50,000 thousand miles, ha ha.
Because of little sleep, I did a lot of sitting around in front of the TV. Mom was in her chair and was having a so-so day. She had been doing a lot of complaining about her hip and leg so she had been getting pain meds around the clock. Low grade doses.
This afternoon she was in an "awake" mode. Not that she was able to keep up with any conversations or even follow the TV programing, but she was talking....
All I had to do was listen, smile, nod my head, say uh huh, etc. She started saying memory statements that had no connection to each other. When I realized what she was saying, I got a notebook and started writing down the different directions her brain was going in. It lasted about a half hour...
From out of thin air, mom made a comment about a note Melissa wrote to her dad years ago when she was a little girl. As I was responding to that statement, she told me what a great singer Perry Como was. That followed with how Vicki always ran to their momma and Sylvia always ran to their grandma when they were in trouble and needed a whipping. She followed that memory with a story about her neighbor friend and then about a man her momma knew that used to pull practical jokes on his wife. As she was talking about the DeBens who used to roll cigars at her house with Angie, I realized none of the above statements were complete stories, just disjointed statements. That's when I got the pencil and paper.
3:25pm - There was a man who lived in Pineville around where Melba lived who killed his girlfriend and hung her on a tree. I don't think they ever found the guy who did it.
3:26 - Vicki and I would laugh so hard at Martha Ray. Our neighbor would call through the window that he could hear us. That was a time when no one locked their doors in DeRidder. That's when everybody was celebrating the army troops...
3:30 - when we were going to N.O. and we passed the airport, the planes were so low they scared Laurie.
3:31 - when we visited in the country, everyone had mosquito netting. There were cracks in the walls and floors. Just like at Butch and Diane's house before the fixed it up.
3:32 - I used to know all the theme songs from the radio and that was where I first met Mr. Dietz. I was singing at work and had a banana hanging from my ear, that Chiquita banana song and Mr. Dietz asked who I was...(she said more about him, but I stop listening when she starts on him)
3:35 - the first year in DeRidder daddy called me one morning and asked me if I was awake. When I told him no, he told me to look out the window. It was snowing and he took off to take me around to enjoy the snow.
3:36 I was sitting over the floor furnace and as I was talking, my wedding ring fell into the furnace. I started crying, but daddy got it for me.
3:38 - Remember that country boy on TV from Williamsburg? The one who worked with wood? (we were watching PBS and Norm was on. This was the only statement that was connected to something we were watching!)
3:40 - Martha Chase was a great crocheter. She made little hats and blankets for new born babies in her town. She lived by the mountains and would tell me to be careful when I climbed them. Don was my fun friend. Martha never understood what we were laughing at.
3:45 - I used to love what Martha Stewart used to do on TV. She looked just like her mother.
3:47 - Everyone says I looked like my mother.
3:48 We has so much extra milk when we lived in the country. I asked Frankie if she knew anyone who could use the milk for their kids. There was an army man with kids and his mother. The grandmother gave me a quilt.
3:50 - I had a cane wrapped with rope, and when I was in the bread store someone came along and stole it from me.
3:53 - when we first met with Butch, he thought all you kids were just like me, always having fun. That was when I bought that straight hair wig and had so much fun fooling everybody.
3:54 That was the year the Sound of Music came out. She gave me a big hat and as I was going out, I threw that hat into the air and started to sing "the hills are alive with the sound of music..." Butch just laughed and said I was the only one he could goof around with.
As I was waiting for the next thought to be spoken, I realized she was done. She gazed off into the air and slowly fell asleep. About an hour later she did the same thing again, but I didn't take notes. It didn't last as long. At dinner, she said a few disjointed things and ate her food.
Although I did not write everything down verbatim, the times and what she said are fairly accurate. There were no rational statements in between these comments. She spoke, I listened and wrote, she stopped...
Tonight she is enjoying watching the Golden Girls and I will be helping her to bed in a while. Her leg continues to ache her... She continues to cry...
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Another WHAT???
I know some of you, or maybe all of you, are getting tired of reading the daily happenings of the Roule household, but this is my journal and you get to read it...or not!
Laurie visited yesterday and during the conversation (?) mother started talking about apartments and my first one that I shared with Betty. So she says "the only thing I didn't like about your (looking at me) apartment was the picture of that naked lady on your living room wall." WHAT???
Here's the thing...I have never had a picture of a naked lady on my wall! Never!!! Why would I? So after arguing with her, I jokingly said "you must be remembering Laurie's apartment, ha ha." Laurie and I laughed, but mom said "no, I remember it on your (looking at me) wall."
So then I threw Phillip into the mix. "Maybe you are remembering Phil's college apt?" She had a look on her face that was meant to say "I'm right, you are wrong, but I am not going to argue with you." Sorry Phil.
Wow, Phil, maybe it is me who is delusional...what alternate universe have I been living in? Does anyone else remember a picture of a naked lady on any wall of any apartment I have ever lived in?
Having never taken drugs, I can't fall back on "those were my lost years, ha ha." I seem to remember too much about those days, as it is.
So...today while sitting in the living room, she started talking about a movie she had liked from long ago and before she was finished she had combined three different movies into one....
And she told me how she had been mad at me back when I had been pregnant with Deanna and we had gone to Pontchartrain Beach and I rode on the ride that goes around in a circle and the bottom drops out. Some centrifugal force ride.
Now, I was not in N.O. when I was having Deanna. I remember going to a fair with the family in Alexandria and maybe Mom was doing her best to keep me off the rides, but the one ride I would not have ridden besides the Ferris wheel would have been a ride that just circles. Talk about throw up! Never rode one of those! (Is that my memory from my alternate universe?)
There have been days that she had shared her dreams and her memories and I am lost...she is talking about things that I just can't begin to believe ever happened. Maybe there was a desire for these things to take place and her mind is giving her better memories than reality...I try not to respond in a negative sense, but it is hard not to question her words.
So another day passes.
Laurie visited yesterday and during the conversation (?) mother started talking about apartments and my first one that I shared with Betty. So she says "the only thing I didn't like about your (looking at me) apartment was the picture of that naked lady on your living room wall." WHAT???
Here's the thing...I have never had a picture of a naked lady on my wall! Never!!! Why would I? So after arguing with her, I jokingly said "you must be remembering Laurie's apartment, ha ha." Laurie and I laughed, but mom said "no, I remember it on your (looking at me) wall."
So then I threw Phillip into the mix. "Maybe you are remembering Phil's college apt?" She had a look on her face that was meant to say "I'm right, you are wrong, but I am not going to argue with you." Sorry Phil.
Wow, Phil, maybe it is me who is delusional...what alternate universe have I been living in? Does anyone else remember a picture of a naked lady on any wall of any apartment I have ever lived in?
Having never taken drugs, I can't fall back on "those were my lost years, ha ha." I seem to remember too much about those days, as it is.
So...today while sitting in the living room, she started talking about a movie she had liked from long ago and before she was finished she had combined three different movies into one....
And she told me how she had been mad at me back when I had been pregnant with Deanna and we had gone to Pontchartrain Beach and I rode on the ride that goes around in a circle and the bottom drops out. Some centrifugal force ride.
Now, I was not in N.O. when I was having Deanna. I remember going to a fair with the family in Alexandria and maybe Mom was doing her best to keep me off the rides, but the one ride I would not have ridden besides the Ferris wheel would have been a ride that just circles. Talk about throw up! Never rode one of those! (Is that my memory from my alternate universe?)
There have been days that she had shared her dreams and her memories and I am lost...she is talking about things that I just can't begin to believe ever happened. Maybe there was a desire for these things to take place and her mind is giving her better memories than reality...I try not to respond in a negative sense, but it is hard not to question her words.
So another day passes.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Rough Day
Today was not a good day!
I have been dealing with side effects of a cortisone shot and have been sleep deprived. Nevertheless, I do try to get some sleep. But...last night was a night of ups and downs. I would be dozing off and I would hear "Cindy, can I borrow you for a minute?" I would get up to help Mom roll over in bed! Get her settled, kiss her goodnight, and get back to my own bed. And within 15 minutes, she would repeat the process. She was up to sit, up to use the potty, up to turn over, up up up! It was a rough night.
This morning, she doesn't remember a thing about her night. She says "I think I had a good night sleep. I don't think I got up at all." WHAT????
She tossed and turned so much, the sheets were coming off the bed. Her comment was "did the kids do this to my bed?" What kids? When?
Anyway, today she cried all day long. I guess she needed to get it out, but I hated to see her so sad. She couldn't name any one thing that was bothering her, but she just sobbed...Several times she stated she wanted to go home; she missed her home; why can't I go home; why can't we live in her home; etc etc. At first I tried to calm her down and reason with her about why it wouldn't work for her to be in Alex. but it didn't compute, so I just stopped responding to her remarks and let her cry it out.
Tonight, she went to bed without being upset. She watched some TV in her room before getting ready for bed, then she got herself to bed. Now, it's been about a half hour, so I am "holding my breath". I really need to sleep tonight.
Pray she finds rest and peace in Christ tonight, amen.
Tomorrow is a new day!
I have been dealing with side effects of a cortisone shot and have been sleep deprived. Nevertheless, I do try to get some sleep. But...last night was a night of ups and downs. I would be dozing off and I would hear "Cindy, can I borrow you for a minute?" I would get up to help Mom roll over in bed! Get her settled, kiss her goodnight, and get back to my own bed. And within 15 minutes, she would repeat the process. She was up to sit, up to use the potty, up to turn over, up up up! It was a rough night.
This morning, she doesn't remember a thing about her night. She says "I think I had a good night sleep. I don't think I got up at all." WHAT????
She tossed and turned so much, the sheets were coming off the bed. Her comment was "did the kids do this to my bed?" What kids? When?
Anyway, today she cried all day long. I guess she needed to get it out, but I hated to see her so sad. She couldn't name any one thing that was bothering her, but she just sobbed...Several times she stated she wanted to go home; she missed her home; why can't I go home; why can't we live in her home; etc etc. At first I tried to calm her down and reason with her about why it wouldn't work for her to be in Alex. but it didn't compute, so I just stopped responding to her remarks and let her cry it out.
Tonight, she went to bed without being upset. She watched some TV in her room before getting ready for bed, then she got herself to bed. Now, it's been about a half hour, so I am "holding my breath". I really need to sleep tonight.
Pray she finds rest and peace in Christ tonight, amen.
Tomorrow is a new day!
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