Second Verse, Same As The First!

Sorry, I just re-read my entry prior to the one just posted, and I now see that I have begun to repeat myself. Oh No! I must be getting old! It might help to read what I already wrote before beginning new thoughts, or maybe it just needed to be said twice. Who knows.

I AM Living My Life!

I was reading the other day in a book given to me about dealing with a care giving situation. I also heard just about the same thing on a television program the other day. Both sources talked about making sure you take time for yourself; don't stop living just because you are taking care of another person; don't lose yourself in your situation, etc. etc. What??

Well, here's my thoughts on that view...I am living my life. My life is taking place every day. This is a chapter in the book of my life; I have not put myself aside until later. I plan on being very active in each chapter of my book.

Maybe I can't take off whenever I want, and maybe I don't have personal "down" time, but I'm not missing out on living. If we have to rearrange when Harry and I have alone time, well, we rearrange it! Sometimes that alone time is around 3 am, and we are both sleeping, but we are alone, ha ha. When we want to go out to eat, we have a few daughters able to sit for us. We get to do most of what we want to do. The other stuff?? Adjust!

I'm breathing, I'm thinking, I'm eating, walking, sleeping...I get to speak my opinions on occasion. I must be living!

A friend of mine cared for her mother for over 10 years. Her decisions were always with her mother in mind. When her mother died, someone said she could live her own life, now. I remember telling her not to look at the past 10 years as a stopping of her life, but as a chapter in her life, and it included her mother. They both were living their lives. Those years gave my friend the opportunity to know her mother as an adult, and it gave her mother a friend as well as a daughter. Even when the days were spent in more giving and receiving, it was a time to treasure. Even when my friend became the "mother" and the mother became the "child", it was a time she treasures even today, 6 years later.

Over the years, I have visited my mother at her home and we became friends. We could talk well into the night, get a few hours of sleep, and start the day talking again. We talked about a lot of stuff. I'm sure I kept some things from her; she is my mother, you know? And I surely didn't want to hear too much about my daddy! But in spite of that, we were able to keep a conversation flowing. Good chapters in both books!

I began to notice the absence of conversations as mom began to hit her 80's. Not that there weren't things to talk about, but her attention span and her ability to stay awake started to decline. Right in the middle of a sentence she was speaking, she would fall asleep. Then she would wake up with a laugh... Over the past few years, I find myself being alone even with her in the room. New chapter, but still living!

I miss our conversations. Mom has lots of things to say, but she doesn't need me to participate in her speaking. When she speaks, she is speaking a memory as she knows it now. Having heard most of her stories, these are enhanced versions of the originals. She surely does not want me to question her details...puts her in a defensive mood. So, I am just a warm body to listen to her stories and agree with her. Sad chapter, same book; still living!

It really is a sad situation. Mom has very little vision, her hearing is still next to none even with hearing aids, she is not able to stay awake for any length of time (age related or drug related), therefore, she is unable to keep up with TV shows, conversations, or just the day to day happenings around the house. Frustrating chapter in mom's book.

She wants to be involved. She will say "what?" when she hears a portion of something that sounds interesting, but by the time it takes to get her up to speed, the subject has changed...I can't begin to imagine how frustrated she must get, but I do know how frustrating it is to be the one who has to constantly repeat things to her in order for her to be a part of the conversations. Another sad chapter in our books.

I mourn the physical changes in my mother. I mourn the loss of our conversations. I mourn the loss of shopping trips. I mourn the loss of vacations she took with us. I mourn not being able to visit her in her home. Who knew I would have to "bury" so many enjoyments before the actual physical loss. A hard chapter to accept.

Although there are a lot of "I"s throughout this entry, Harry is very involved with the day to day happenings. He sees what I see, and he also mourns the loss of mom's abilities. His being retired has given me the added help around the house that keeps me grounded.

So, each night I go to sleep with a prayer of thanksgiving for the day, and each morning I say thank You, Lord for another day to share with my family. The Lord is the One who is my strength to accept each new chapter in my book of life. Thank You, Lord, I am living my life!

Nothing New

Harry and I were talking the other day, and we both realized that the life we are living now was not quite what we envisioned when we took Mom into our home.

I think we both thought Mom would be the same person we already knew and enjoyed and that we would just be taking the day to day burdens from her and give her a easy life for the end times. I didn't consider she would age. I didn't picture her sick.

I mean I could see myself sitting with her and having conversations about what we have read, or the TV program we were watching, reading and enjoying the Bible, taking trips to Wal Mart.

And, we did start out doing those things. When I think back over the past two years, we did those things on a daily basis, but as Mom's health started changing, our daily routine changed in a way that caught me off guard.

Mom does lots of sleeping during the day. She finds little interest in TV. She falls asleep during a conversation. She hears some things but has a hard time keeping up with the activity around the house.

She wakes up and speaks a memory. She doesn't need me to comment on the thought, and in fact gets a little agitated when I question her story. So I let her talk on, even though I know the majority of the story being spoken has been enlarged in her memory and grows with each telling.

As her body ages, her aches and pains increase. The pain pills she takes keeps the majority of her aches at bay, but some days the pain is there even through the pills. She cries out to the Lord "why" and is always asking "will I ever get well?"

I knew at one point I would be the care giver, but I guess I just wasn't ready for it to be so soon. I was thinking more of when she turned 100.

I must admit she has never resigned herself to being here on a permanent basis. Even today she speaks about what she will do when she gets to go home. It's as if she is waiting me out.

I must admit to myself that my feelings get hurt, a lot! But my mouth does not speak of that hurt, because then she would be hurt. I know how much she thinks she can be on her own, but the reality is she can't get in her bed without help. I don't know how she is resolving those issues in her head to make her think she can live alone.

Today, she was talking about getting a picture for her dining room table when she returns home. She was talking to her picture frame and one of the many pictures I have put on it for her to look at. I find myself tuning her out. I hate that. I want to be there for her, but when she starts talking about "home", I turn a deaf ear. I can't even rebuke her speaking. She just doesn't get it.

One of the nurses that comes to the house was encouraging her to talk about her memories of New Orleans. Well, having heard the stories from when she was young by the mother that was able to correctly remember, it really hurts to hear how her "new" memory has corrupted those stories.

I see a single minded line through each story. Each story puts her in a good light. It's all about her. Every boy liked her best. Every teacher liked her best. Every situation favored her over Vicki. Her job with the government and Mr. Deitz is so exaggerated, my heart hurts.

I made the mistake of making a comment on something the other day and because Mom didn't hear it clearly, she said "what?" So I said it again, and again and then realized she had her hearing aids in but turned off! But even when she heard what I said, she wasn't able to enter into the conversation concerning the topic. She fell asleep in the middle of her sentence!

I am mourning the loss of my mother. I don't want to see my momma age into the woman that sits across from me. I don't mind helping her do things or doing things for her. I do mind that I can't talk to her like I used to.

I know I am rambling and repeating, but I have such a sadness in my heart...

Lord, give my the peace to enjoy my portion of Your grace today. Let me find joy in my mother today. Help me to accept all the changes in our lives. I love You, Lord.