I AM Living My Life!

I was reading the other day in a book given to me about dealing with a care giving situation. I also heard just about the same thing on a television program the other day. Both sources talked about making sure you take time for yourself; don't stop living just because you are taking care of another person; don't lose yourself in your situation, etc. etc. What??

Well, here's my thoughts on that view...I am living my life. My life is taking place every day. This is a chapter in the book of my life; I have not put myself aside until later. I plan on being very active in each chapter of my book.

Maybe I can't take off whenever I want, and maybe I don't have personal "down" time, but I'm not missing out on living. If we have to rearrange when Harry and I have alone time, well, we rearrange it! Sometimes that alone time is around 3 am, and we are both sleeping, but we are alone, ha ha. When we want to go out to eat, we have a few daughters able to sit for us. We get to do most of what we want to do. The other stuff?? Adjust!

I'm breathing, I'm thinking, I'm eating, walking, sleeping...I get to speak my opinions on occasion. I must be living!

A friend of mine cared for her mother for over 10 years. Her decisions were always with her mother in mind. When her mother died, someone said she could live her own life, now. I remember telling her not to look at the past 10 years as a stopping of her life, but as a chapter in her life, and it included her mother. They both were living their lives. Those years gave my friend the opportunity to know her mother as an adult, and it gave her mother a friend as well as a daughter. Even when the days were spent in more giving and receiving, it was a time to treasure. Even when my friend became the "mother" and the mother became the "child", it was a time she treasures even today, 6 years later.

Over the years, I have visited my mother at her home and we became friends. We could talk well into the night, get a few hours of sleep, and start the day talking again. We talked about a lot of stuff. I'm sure I kept some things from her; she is my mother, you know? And I surely didn't want to hear too much about my daddy! But in spite of that, we were able to keep a conversation flowing. Good chapters in both books!

I began to notice the absence of conversations as mom began to hit her 80's. Not that there weren't things to talk about, but her attention span and her ability to stay awake started to decline. Right in the middle of a sentence she was speaking, she would fall asleep. Then she would wake up with a laugh... Over the past few years, I find myself being alone even with her in the room. New chapter, but still living!

I miss our conversations. Mom has lots of things to say, but she doesn't need me to participate in her speaking. When she speaks, she is speaking a memory as she knows it now. Having heard most of her stories, these are enhanced versions of the originals. She surely does not want me to question her details...puts her in a defensive mood. So, I am just a warm body to listen to her stories and agree with her. Sad chapter, same book; still living!

It really is a sad situation. Mom has very little vision, her hearing is still next to none even with hearing aids, she is not able to stay awake for any length of time (age related or drug related), therefore, she is unable to keep up with TV shows, conversations, or just the day to day happenings around the house. Frustrating chapter in mom's book.

She wants to be involved. She will say "what?" when she hears a portion of something that sounds interesting, but by the time it takes to get her up to speed, the subject has changed...I can't begin to imagine how frustrated she must get, but I do know how frustrating it is to be the one who has to constantly repeat things to her in order for her to be a part of the conversations. Another sad chapter in our books.

I mourn the physical changes in my mother. I mourn the loss of our conversations. I mourn the loss of shopping trips. I mourn the loss of vacations she took with us. I mourn not being able to visit her in her home. Who knew I would have to "bury" so many enjoyments before the actual physical loss. A hard chapter to accept.

Although there are a lot of "I"s throughout this entry, Harry is very involved with the day to day happenings. He sees what I see, and he also mourns the loss of mom's abilities. His being retired has given me the added help around the house that keeps me grounded.

So, each night I go to sleep with a prayer of thanksgiving for the day, and each morning I say thank You, Lord for another day to share with my family. The Lord is the One who is my strength to accept each new chapter in my book of life. Thank You, Lord, I am living my life!