Nothing New

Harry and I were talking the other day, and we both realized that the life we are living now was not quite what we envisioned when we took Mom into our home.

I think we both thought Mom would be the same person we already knew and enjoyed and that we would just be taking the day to day burdens from her and give her a easy life for the end times. I didn't consider she would age. I didn't picture her sick.

I mean I could see myself sitting with her and having conversations about what we have read, or the TV program we were watching, reading and enjoying the Bible, taking trips to Wal Mart.

And, we did start out doing those things. When I think back over the past two years, we did those things on a daily basis, but as Mom's health started changing, our daily routine changed in a way that caught me off guard.

Mom does lots of sleeping during the day. She finds little interest in TV. She falls asleep during a conversation. She hears some things but has a hard time keeping up with the activity around the house.

She wakes up and speaks a memory. She doesn't need me to comment on the thought, and in fact gets a little agitated when I question her story. So I let her talk on, even though I know the majority of the story being spoken has been enlarged in her memory and grows with each telling.

As her body ages, her aches and pains increase. The pain pills she takes keeps the majority of her aches at bay, but some days the pain is there even through the pills. She cries out to the Lord "why" and is always asking "will I ever get well?"

I knew at one point I would be the care giver, but I guess I just wasn't ready for it to be so soon. I was thinking more of when she turned 100.

I must admit she has never resigned herself to being here on a permanent basis. Even today she speaks about what she will do when she gets to go home. It's as if she is waiting me out.

I must admit to myself that my feelings get hurt, a lot! But my mouth does not speak of that hurt, because then she would be hurt. I know how much she thinks she can be on her own, but the reality is she can't get in her bed without help. I don't know how she is resolving those issues in her head to make her think she can live alone.

Today, she was talking about getting a picture for her dining room table when she returns home. She was talking to her picture frame and one of the many pictures I have put on it for her to look at. I find myself tuning her out. I hate that. I want to be there for her, but when she starts talking about "home", I turn a deaf ear. I can't even rebuke her speaking. She just doesn't get it.

One of the nurses that comes to the house was encouraging her to talk about her memories of New Orleans. Well, having heard the stories from when she was young by the mother that was able to correctly remember, it really hurts to hear how her "new" memory has corrupted those stories.

I see a single minded line through each story. Each story puts her in a good light. It's all about her. Every boy liked her best. Every teacher liked her best. Every situation favored her over Vicki. Her job with the government and Mr. Deitz is so exaggerated, my heart hurts.

I made the mistake of making a comment on something the other day and because Mom didn't hear it clearly, she said "what?" So I said it again, and again and then realized she had her hearing aids in but turned off! But even when she heard what I said, she wasn't able to enter into the conversation concerning the topic. She fell asleep in the middle of her sentence!

I am mourning the loss of my mother. I don't want to see my momma age into the woman that sits across from me. I don't mind helping her do things or doing things for her. I do mind that I can't talk to her like I used to.

I know I am rambling and repeating, but I have such a sadness in my heart...

Lord, give my the peace to enjoy my portion of Your grace today. Let me find joy in my mother today. Help me to accept all the changes in our lives. I love You, Lord.