One more day and a new year begins. Mom celebrates completing 88 years of living on January 1. We are looking forward to 2011 and new joys.
Since my last entry a few things have happened. We had a crowd here for Thanksgiving. Good food, laughter, babies, animals, football games, etc. It was your typical Thanksgiving Day.
During the first week of December, we had Mom's hearing tested and found out (no surprise) her hearing had decreased greatly so that the hearing aids she wears were not doing the job for her. So...new hearing aids. The new ones are different in shape and she is having trouble getting used to putting them on. I figure it's no big deal if she never learns to get them on, so I help her each morning. And each evening, I help her take them out... Bottom line, she can hear again.
But...hearing again is not the only problem. Her brain is still having trouble keeping up with what she hears. That will never change. We still have to speak slowly to her. We have to wait until her face lets us know she is understanding what we are saying, then we can continue with our speaking. We have to make sure she knows we are talking to her.
Unless she is directly within inches of the tv, she cannot follow the program showing. Not only hearing, but seeing. So during the day and evening, she sits in her chair, trying to follow along, falls asleep, wakes up on occasion, eats, drinks, talks a little, and sleeps again. Late evening when we all go to our bedrooms, she sits directly in front of her tv and can follow along with "Everyone Loves Raymond", her favorite show.
I know she misses the ability to get up and get out the house whenever she wants, but her reality is sitting in her chair. She alternates between her rocker and her recliner. The rocker is in front of the windows and she enjoys looking out. Falls asleep soon after sitting down. Wakes up, moves to her recliner in front the tv, and falls asleep again. Goes to her bedroom to lay down to rest her legs, and falls asleep again.
I want to do so much for her. I want her to enjoy a ride in the car. I want her to enjoy a trip to the mall. I want her to enjoy a meeting with friends. It is so hard to accept her reality. She can't see out the window clearly, therefore she spends much of any ride with her head down. Maybe it makes her dizzy. I don't know, because she won't say. The last few times we took her to the mall/Wal Mart, she spent most of the riding around with her head down. Again, the fast moving of the things on shelves must make her dizzy.
I talked myself out of taking her to see Christmas lights. After thinking about the effort it takes just to get her into the car, then the frustration she will have because the lights are not clear to her, and the diminished seeing due to darkness, I saved myself and Harry and Mom some sorrow by not even mentioning the idea.
I guess we both have to admit and accept our limitations.
Christmas week brought us a new grandbaby. "Great" for Harry and me, and "great great" for Mom. Alex had a baby boy on Dec. 22. Well...his girlfriend had a baby. They named him Kadin. Who knows if they will get married, but the baby is beautiful and we will love him.
This past year has given us lots of babies to love. Anastasia, Savannah, Ava, and Kadin. Along with the older babies (Kara, Bryson, Bayleigh,and Brooklyn), we are kept busy keeping up with them. And another one will be added in January. Whew!! STOP already! These kids can't afford a pot to pee in, and they just keep making babies.... We love them, but...
Because the new baby was at his grandma's house , Deanna, the kids went to her house for Christmas day. That left us to ourselves and we had a quiet day. I cooked because we had to eat, but although we had turkey and dressing and some of the extras that come with a holiday meal, it was small and intimate with just the six of us around the table. Soon after, Stephanie and Kara left and we had a very quiet day after that.
Mom's December trip to the Wound Care Doctor was uneventful, but gave us good news. Her wound is decreasing at a good pace. The doctor is very pleased. The wound has gone from a major opening to a small opening at the top and another small opening at the bottom of the original site with strong healthy skin closing the middle. Slowly, slowly... not knowing how long this wound had gone unnoticed, the several months we have been dealing with it healing is not a bad thing. One day it will be gone...
So, our year comes to an end. We are mostly healthy in mind and body and very healthy in spirit. We love the Lord, enjoy Him daily, expect and receive His blessings, and look forward to the coming year together....
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Random Thoughts!
I am sitting here on the sofa. It's not too early, but still morning. Mom is sitting in her chair. Harry is at the Sunday morning meeting. We are enjoying a cup of coffee.
I was about to make a comment. It was not of any importance, but just a thought to be shared...
Then I considered how I would have to talk very loud for Mom to hear, repeat my thought a few times until Mom understood it, and then listen to Mom answer with a comment completely unrelated to my thought.
Therefore, I said nothing.
I mourn the loss of conversation with Mom. I can't share too many things with her. If it's about the kids, she gets very upset, worried, frustrated, mad, etc. depending on the comment, and then worries about it for days. She builds on it in her mind and changes the information...then she speaks the wrong information which becomes her reality...it's hard to correct her thoughts...
As hard as it is on me, I can't even begin to imagine how frustrating it must be for Mom. I know she wants to be involved with what is going on, but even when she hears, she doesn't always understand...
Helping her keep up with the conversation by repeating what was said does not always work. Not hearing when someone else is talking and trying to talk herself is frustrating to those in the conversation, but also sorrowful to me to see it happening. Having to stop her speaking because someone else is speaking must hurt her feelings, but the one speaking also has feelings about being interrupted...
I feel I am always in the middle trying to keep the peace with all the members of the household. I seem to spend all my time stroking egos!
And I still don't get to say my comment because I would have to shout it, repeat it, explain it, etc. etc. etc.
So, never mind!
I was about to make a comment. It was not of any importance, but just a thought to be shared...
Then I considered how I would have to talk very loud for Mom to hear, repeat my thought a few times until Mom understood it, and then listen to Mom answer with a comment completely unrelated to my thought.
Therefore, I said nothing.
I mourn the loss of conversation with Mom. I can't share too many things with her. If it's about the kids, she gets very upset, worried, frustrated, mad, etc. depending on the comment, and then worries about it for days. She builds on it in her mind and changes the information...then she speaks the wrong information which becomes her reality...it's hard to correct her thoughts...
As hard as it is on me, I can't even begin to imagine how frustrating it must be for Mom. I know she wants to be involved with what is going on, but even when she hears, she doesn't always understand...
Helping her keep up with the conversation by repeating what was said does not always work. Not hearing when someone else is talking and trying to talk herself is frustrating to those in the conversation, but also sorrowful to me to see it happening. Having to stop her speaking because someone else is speaking must hurt her feelings, but the one speaking also has feelings about being interrupted...
I feel I am always in the middle trying to keep the peace with all the members of the household. I seem to spend all my time stroking egos!
And I still don't get to say my comment because I would have to shout it, repeat it, explain it, etc. etc. etc.
So, never mind!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Another Fall, Nothing New!
Well, here we go again!
I realized I had not written anything in over a month...time to catch up!
Last Thursday (Nov.18, 2010), around 10pm, Mom was getting into her wheelchair and she fell. The wheels were not locked, and she had not called for help, and she had not locked the wheels, so as she was backing into the chair, it moved, she lost her balance, and she hit the floor.
Her glasses smashed into her eyebrow and cut it. It was not a heavy bleeder, nor a deep cut, which means to me that the hit was not very hard. But over the next several days, she developed a very pretty black eye as the blood settled around her eye.
As we were getting her up off the floor, she was feeling pain in her left side so we decided to get her to the hospital for x-rays etc. to be sure all was well.
After several hours in the hospital and a head cat scan and a chest x-ray, we were released to go home. No broken bones, or internal bleeding! Thank you Lord...We were told to be prepared for lots of aches and pains as her body healed from the fall, and they were right.
Mom has not had many bruise spots, but lots of aches that are slowly getting better. Her eye is almost back to normal...
She says she gets nervous when she has to stand, but she still refuses to ask for help... I know she wants to be independent, but is she just being hard headed? Or do things just not compute in her brain???
Oh well....
I realized I had not written anything in over a month...time to catch up!
Last Thursday (Nov.18, 2010), around 10pm, Mom was getting into her wheelchair and she fell. The wheels were not locked, and she had not called for help, and she had not locked the wheels, so as she was backing into the chair, it moved, she lost her balance, and she hit the floor.
Her glasses smashed into her eyebrow and cut it. It was not a heavy bleeder, nor a deep cut, which means to me that the hit was not very hard. But over the next several days, she developed a very pretty black eye as the blood settled around her eye.
As we were getting her up off the floor, she was feeling pain in her left side so we decided to get her to the hospital for x-rays etc. to be sure all was well.
After several hours in the hospital and a head cat scan and a chest x-ray, we were released to go home. No broken bones, or internal bleeding! Thank you Lord...We were told to be prepared for lots of aches and pains as her body healed from the fall, and they were right.
Mom has not had many bruise spots, but lots of aches that are slowly getting better. Her eye is almost back to normal...
She says she gets nervous when she has to stand, but she still refuses to ask for help... I know she wants to be independent, but is she just being hard headed? Or do things just not compute in her brain???
Oh well....
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Memories
This morning was cool enough that with the windows and doors open, we could have a fire to enjoy our coffee in front of...Kara was thrilled. She has been asking for a fire since the weather stopped being in the 90's, ha ha.
Mother loved it. She watched it till it went out. Then she started remembering moments in her life that involved fireplaces...starting with how she enjoyed sitting in front of her gas fire on White street and a few other recent memories.
She talked about Grandma Redmond's house in the country and the duel fireplace and how the furniture was arranged around it and how the other rooms has no heat...
Her next thought was of her sitting in front of the fire when she was a young woman and gazing at the sparkles from her engagement ring.
She went back several more years and spoke about sitting in front of the fire listening to the radio with her sister when they were kids.
I thought she was finished, but then she went further back and spoke about her grandmother in Italy... although this memory was not about fireplaces, but graveyards!
I made a joke about her mind working in decades, she laughed with me, and proceeded to tell me another memory.
My Thoughts:
I read in a book about a woman dealing with an aging parent and how she was taking each moment of clarity as a gift, so I am trying to take that way and see each speaking as a gift to remember her by. The problem with Mom's stories is they grow in detail and length each time they are told. I can remember so many of her stories from the original tellings way back when...and the current versions have been greatly enhanced!
The mind is a mystery. I wonder why it can't remember what the mouth spoke about a subject just a moment ago. Mom wakes up with a thought and speaks it, then speaks it again, and again, and again; all within a few hours. She always tells the story as if it has never been told before. It is just as funny to her the tenth time as it is the first. If I try to let her know that she has told the story already, her mind will not compute that information, and will continue the story to the end...what scares me is that sometimes I find myself doing the same thing to Harry, oh Lord!
I guess the enlightenment that truly hits home is I usually expect Mom to change for the good of the house, without thinking I need to let go of some of my different ways, i.e., Mom is a talker. She talks about anything and everything. She talks whenever, wherever. When she has something to say, she says it. It makes no difference if we are watching tv, reading, sleeping...she speaks.
I, on the other hand, need lots of silence. Although I am able to keep up with the best of the talkers, I also like being left alone. Not going to happen in this household!!! I am not an early morning talker. I find that talking is "noise" to me in the mornings. My ears hurt. I do talk in the morning; I just don't want long conversations so early, and Mom gets up talking! I do not think silence is a void that needs to be filled. Mom sees silence as an opportunity to speak!
I'm not a late night talker either. I look forward to everyone going to sleep so I can have a few hours of silence. I need to listen to the silence for awhile before going to bed. And again, that is hard to get in this household.
The other night as I was trying to get to sleep, I was kept awake by a late night dryer squeaking, the ceiling fan in our bedroom had developed a strange noise, the dog was barking outside (I usually can ignore her, but with all the other noises, she was just another aggravation), the baby monitor attached to Mom's room was picking up all her late night sniffling, and to top it off, Harry's snoring was extra loud! I got up and walked around the house trying to see if there was anyplace that would give me quiet. I refuse to spend the night in the tub! Anyway, the dryer finally stopped, the dog fell asleep, mom fell asleep, and I was so tired, I was able to "pass out" into sleep in spite of the snoring and creaking of the fan. Poor Me!
Mother loved it. She watched it till it went out. Then she started remembering moments in her life that involved fireplaces...starting with how she enjoyed sitting in front of her gas fire on White street and a few other recent memories.
She talked about Grandma Redmond's house in the country and the duel fireplace and how the furniture was arranged around it and how the other rooms has no heat...
Her next thought was of her sitting in front of the fire when she was a young woman and gazing at the sparkles from her engagement ring.
She went back several more years and spoke about sitting in front of the fire listening to the radio with her sister when they were kids.
I thought she was finished, but then she went further back and spoke about her grandmother in Italy... although this memory was not about fireplaces, but graveyards!
I made a joke about her mind working in decades, she laughed with me, and proceeded to tell me another memory.
My Thoughts:
I read in a book about a woman dealing with an aging parent and how she was taking each moment of clarity as a gift, so I am trying to take that way and see each speaking as a gift to remember her by. The problem with Mom's stories is they grow in detail and length each time they are told. I can remember so many of her stories from the original tellings way back when...and the current versions have been greatly enhanced!
The mind is a mystery. I wonder why it can't remember what the mouth spoke about a subject just a moment ago. Mom wakes up with a thought and speaks it, then speaks it again, and again, and again; all within a few hours. She always tells the story as if it has never been told before. It is just as funny to her the tenth time as it is the first. If I try to let her know that she has told the story already, her mind will not compute that information, and will continue the story to the end...what scares me is that sometimes I find myself doing the same thing to Harry, oh Lord!
I guess the enlightenment that truly hits home is I usually expect Mom to change for the good of the house, without thinking I need to let go of some of my different ways, i.e., Mom is a talker. She talks about anything and everything. She talks whenever, wherever. When she has something to say, she says it. It makes no difference if we are watching tv, reading, sleeping...she speaks.
I, on the other hand, need lots of silence. Although I am able to keep up with the best of the talkers, I also like being left alone. Not going to happen in this household!!! I am not an early morning talker. I find that talking is "noise" to me in the mornings. My ears hurt. I do talk in the morning; I just don't want long conversations so early, and Mom gets up talking! I do not think silence is a void that needs to be filled. Mom sees silence as an opportunity to speak!
I'm not a late night talker either. I look forward to everyone going to sleep so I can have a few hours of silence. I need to listen to the silence for awhile before going to bed. And again, that is hard to get in this household.
The other night as I was trying to get to sleep, I was kept awake by a late night dryer squeaking, the ceiling fan in our bedroom had developed a strange noise, the dog was barking outside (I usually can ignore her, but with all the other noises, she was just another aggravation), the baby monitor attached to Mom's room was picking up all her late night sniffling, and to top it off, Harry's snoring was extra loud! I got up and walked around the house trying to see if there was anyplace that would give me quiet. I refuse to spend the night in the tub! Anyway, the dryer finally stopped, the dog fell asleep, mom fell asleep, and I was so tired, I was able to "pass out" into sleep in spite of the snoring and creaking of the fan. Poor Me!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Second Verse, Same As The First!
Sorry, I just re-read my entry prior to the one just posted, and I now see that I have begun to repeat myself. Oh No! I must be getting old! It might help to read what I already wrote before beginning new thoughts, or maybe it just needed to be said twice. Who knows.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
I AM Living My Life!
I was reading the other day in a book given to me about dealing with a care giving situation. I also heard just about the same thing on a television program the other day. Both sources talked about making sure you take time for yourself; don't stop living just because you are taking care of another person; don't lose yourself in your situation, etc. etc. What??
Well, here's my thoughts on that view...I am living my life. My life is taking place every day. This is a chapter in the book of my life; I have not put myself aside until later. I plan on being very active in each chapter of my book.
Maybe I can't take off whenever I want, and maybe I don't have personal "down" time, but I'm not missing out on living. If we have to rearrange when Harry and I have alone time, well, we rearrange it! Sometimes that alone time is around 3 am, and we are both sleeping, but we are alone, ha ha. When we want to go out to eat, we have a few daughters able to sit for us. We get to do most of what we want to do. The other stuff?? Adjust!
I'm breathing, I'm thinking, I'm eating, walking, sleeping...I get to speak my opinions on occasion. I must be living!
A friend of mine cared for her mother for over 10 years. Her decisions were always with her mother in mind. When her mother died, someone said she could live her own life, now. I remember telling her not to look at the past 10 years as a stopping of her life, but as a chapter in her life, and it included her mother. They both were living their lives. Those years gave my friend the opportunity to know her mother as an adult, and it gave her mother a friend as well as a daughter. Even when the days were spent in more giving and receiving, it was a time to treasure. Even when my friend became the "mother" and the mother became the "child", it was a time she treasures even today, 6 years later.
Over the years, I have visited my mother at her home and we became friends. We could talk well into the night, get a few hours of sleep, and start the day talking again. We talked about a lot of stuff. I'm sure I kept some things from her; she is my mother, you know? And I surely didn't want to hear too much about my daddy! But in spite of that, we were able to keep a conversation flowing. Good chapters in both books!
I began to notice the absence of conversations as mom began to hit her 80's. Not that there weren't things to talk about, but her attention span and her ability to stay awake started to decline. Right in the middle of a sentence she was speaking, she would fall asleep. Then she would wake up with a laugh... Over the past few years, I find myself being alone even with her in the room. New chapter, but still living!
I miss our conversations. Mom has lots of things to say, but she doesn't need me to participate in her speaking. When she speaks, she is speaking a memory as she knows it now. Having heard most of her stories, these are enhanced versions of the originals. She surely does not want me to question her details...puts her in a defensive mood. So, I am just a warm body to listen to her stories and agree with her. Sad chapter, same book; still living!
It really is a sad situation. Mom has very little vision, her hearing is still next to none even with hearing aids, she is not able to stay awake for any length of time (age related or drug related), therefore, she is unable to keep up with TV shows, conversations, or just the day to day happenings around the house. Frustrating chapter in mom's book.
She wants to be involved. She will say "what?" when she hears a portion of something that sounds interesting, but by the time it takes to get her up to speed, the subject has changed...I can't begin to imagine how frustrated she must get, but I do know how frustrating it is to be the one who has to constantly repeat things to her in order for her to be a part of the conversations. Another sad chapter in our books.
I mourn the physical changes in my mother. I mourn the loss of our conversations. I mourn the loss of shopping trips. I mourn the loss of vacations she took with us. I mourn not being able to visit her in her home. Who knew I would have to "bury" so many enjoyments before the actual physical loss. A hard chapter to accept.
Although there are a lot of "I"s throughout this entry, Harry is very involved with the day to day happenings. He sees what I see, and he also mourns the loss of mom's abilities. His being retired has given me the added help around the house that keeps me grounded.
So, each night I go to sleep with a prayer of thanksgiving for the day, and each morning I say thank You, Lord for another day to share with my family. The Lord is the One who is my strength to accept each new chapter in my book of life. Thank You, Lord, I am living my life!
Well, here's my thoughts on that view...I am living my life. My life is taking place every day. This is a chapter in the book of my life; I have not put myself aside until later. I plan on being very active in each chapter of my book.
Maybe I can't take off whenever I want, and maybe I don't have personal "down" time, but I'm not missing out on living. If we have to rearrange when Harry and I have alone time, well, we rearrange it! Sometimes that alone time is around 3 am, and we are both sleeping, but we are alone, ha ha. When we want to go out to eat, we have a few daughters able to sit for us. We get to do most of what we want to do. The other stuff?? Adjust!
I'm breathing, I'm thinking, I'm eating, walking, sleeping...I get to speak my opinions on occasion. I must be living!
A friend of mine cared for her mother for over 10 years. Her decisions were always with her mother in mind. When her mother died, someone said she could live her own life, now. I remember telling her not to look at the past 10 years as a stopping of her life, but as a chapter in her life, and it included her mother. They both were living their lives. Those years gave my friend the opportunity to know her mother as an adult, and it gave her mother a friend as well as a daughter. Even when the days were spent in more giving and receiving, it was a time to treasure. Even when my friend became the "mother" and the mother became the "child", it was a time she treasures even today, 6 years later.
Over the years, I have visited my mother at her home and we became friends. We could talk well into the night, get a few hours of sleep, and start the day talking again. We talked about a lot of stuff. I'm sure I kept some things from her; she is my mother, you know? And I surely didn't want to hear too much about my daddy! But in spite of that, we were able to keep a conversation flowing. Good chapters in both books!
I began to notice the absence of conversations as mom began to hit her 80's. Not that there weren't things to talk about, but her attention span and her ability to stay awake started to decline. Right in the middle of a sentence she was speaking, she would fall asleep. Then she would wake up with a laugh... Over the past few years, I find myself being alone even with her in the room. New chapter, but still living!
I miss our conversations. Mom has lots of things to say, but she doesn't need me to participate in her speaking. When she speaks, she is speaking a memory as she knows it now. Having heard most of her stories, these are enhanced versions of the originals. She surely does not want me to question her details...puts her in a defensive mood. So, I am just a warm body to listen to her stories and agree with her. Sad chapter, same book; still living!
It really is a sad situation. Mom has very little vision, her hearing is still next to none even with hearing aids, she is not able to stay awake for any length of time (age related or drug related), therefore, she is unable to keep up with TV shows, conversations, or just the day to day happenings around the house. Frustrating chapter in mom's book.
She wants to be involved. She will say "what?" when she hears a portion of something that sounds interesting, but by the time it takes to get her up to speed, the subject has changed...I can't begin to imagine how frustrated she must get, but I do know how frustrating it is to be the one who has to constantly repeat things to her in order for her to be a part of the conversations. Another sad chapter in our books.
I mourn the physical changes in my mother. I mourn the loss of our conversations. I mourn the loss of shopping trips. I mourn the loss of vacations she took with us. I mourn not being able to visit her in her home. Who knew I would have to "bury" so many enjoyments before the actual physical loss. A hard chapter to accept.
Although there are a lot of "I"s throughout this entry, Harry is very involved with the day to day happenings. He sees what I see, and he also mourns the loss of mom's abilities. His being retired has given me the added help around the house that keeps me grounded.
So, each night I go to sleep with a prayer of thanksgiving for the day, and each morning I say thank You, Lord for another day to share with my family. The Lord is the One who is my strength to accept each new chapter in my book of life. Thank You, Lord, I am living my life!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Nothing New
Harry and I were talking the other day, and we both realized that the life we are living now was not quite what we envisioned when we took Mom into our home.
I think we both thought Mom would be the same person we already knew and enjoyed and that we would just be taking the day to day burdens from her and give her a easy life for the end times. I didn't consider she would age. I didn't picture her sick.
I mean I could see myself sitting with her and having conversations about what we have read, or the TV program we were watching, reading and enjoying the Bible, taking trips to Wal Mart.
And, we did start out doing those things. When I think back over the past two years, we did those things on a daily basis, but as Mom's health started changing, our daily routine changed in a way that caught me off guard.
Mom does lots of sleeping during the day. She finds little interest in TV. She falls asleep during a conversation. She hears some things but has a hard time keeping up with the activity around the house.
She wakes up and speaks a memory. She doesn't need me to comment on the thought, and in fact gets a little agitated when I question her story. So I let her talk on, even though I know the majority of the story being spoken has been enlarged in her memory and grows with each telling.
As her body ages, her aches and pains increase. The pain pills she takes keeps the majority of her aches at bay, but some days the pain is there even through the pills. She cries out to the Lord "why" and is always asking "will I ever get well?"
I knew at one point I would be the care giver, but I guess I just wasn't ready for it to be so soon. I was thinking more of when she turned 100.
I must admit she has never resigned herself to being here on a permanent basis. Even today she speaks about what she will do when she gets to go home. It's as if she is waiting me out.
I must admit to myself that my feelings get hurt, a lot! But my mouth does not speak of that hurt, because then she would be hurt. I know how much she thinks she can be on her own, but the reality is she can't get in her bed without help. I don't know how she is resolving those issues in her head to make her think she can live alone.
Today, she was talking about getting a picture for her dining room table when she returns home. She was talking to her picture frame and one of the many pictures I have put on it for her to look at. I find myself tuning her out. I hate that. I want to be there for her, but when she starts talking about "home", I turn a deaf ear. I can't even rebuke her speaking. She just doesn't get it.
One of the nurses that comes to the house was encouraging her to talk about her memories of New Orleans. Well, having heard the stories from when she was young by the mother that was able to correctly remember, it really hurts to hear how her "new" memory has corrupted those stories.
I see a single minded line through each story. Each story puts her in a good light. It's all about her. Every boy liked her best. Every teacher liked her best. Every situation favored her over Vicki. Her job with the government and Mr. Deitz is so exaggerated, my heart hurts.
I made the mistake of making a comment on something the other day and because Mom didn't hear it clearly, she said "what?" So I said it again, and again and then realized she had her hearing aids in but turned off! But even when she heard what I said, she wasn't able to enter into the conversation concerning the topic. She fell asleep in the middle of her sentence!
I am mourning the loss of my mother. I don't want to see my momma age into the woman that sits across from me. I don't mind helping her do things or doing things for her. I do mind that I can't talk to her like I used to.
I know I am rambling and repeating, but I have such a sadness in my heart...
Lord, give my the peace to enjoy my portion of Your grace today. Let me find joy in my mother today. Help me to accept all the changes in our lives. I love You, Lord.
I think we both thought Mom would be the same person we already knew and enjoyed and that we would just be taking the day to day burdens from her and give her a easy life for the end times. I didn't consider she would age. I didn't picture her sick.
I mean I could see myself sitting with her and having conversations about what we have read, or the TV program we were watching, reading and enjoying the Bible, taking trips to Wal Mart.
And, we did start out doing those things. When I think back over the past two years, we did those things on a daily basis, but as Mom's health started changing, our daily routine changed in a way that caught me off guard.
Mom does lots of sleeping during the day. She finds little interest in TV. She falls asleep during a conversation. She hears some things but has a hard time keeping up with the activity around the house.
She wakes up and speaks a memory. She doesn't need me to comment on the thought, and in fact gets a little agitated when I question her story. So I let her talk on, even though I know the majority of the story being spoken has been enlarged in her memory and grows with each telling.
As her body ages, her aches and pains increase. The pain pills she takes keeps the majority of her aches at bay, but some days the pain is there even through the pills. She cries out to the Lord "why" and is always asking "will I ever get well?"
I knew at one point I would be the care giver, but I guess I just wasn't ready for it to be so soon. I was thinking more of when she turned 100.
I must admit she has never resigned herself to being here on a permanent basis. Even today she speaks about what she will do when she gets to go home. It's as if she is waiting me out.
I must admit to myself that my feelings get hurt, a lot! But my mouth does not speak of that hurt, because then she would be hurt. I know how much she thinks she can be on her own, but the reality is she can't get in her bed without help. I don't know how she is resolving those issues in her head to make her think she can live alone.
Today, she was talking about getting a picture for her dining room table when she returns home. She was talking to her picture frame and one of the many pictures I have put on it for her to look at. I find myself tuning her out. I hate that. I want to be there for her, but when she starts talking about "home", I turn a deaf ear. I can't even rebuke her speaking. She just doesn't get it.
One of the nurses that comes to the house was encouraging her to talk about her memories of New Orleans. Well, having heard the stories from when she was young by the mother that was able to correctly remember, it really hurts to hear how her "new" memory has corrupted those stories.
I see a single minded line through each story. Each story puts her in a good light. It's all about her. Every boy liked her best. Every teacher liked her best. Every situation favored her over Vicki. Her job with the government and Mr. Deitz is so exaggerated, my heart hurts.
I made the mistake of making a comment on something the other day and because Mom didn't hear it clearly, she said "what?" So I said it again, and again and then realized she had her hearing aids in but turned off! But even when she heard what I said, she wasn't able to enter into the conversation concerning the topic. She fell asleep in the middle of her sentence!
I am mourning the loss of my mother. I don't want to see my momma age into the woman that sits across from me. I don't mind helping her do things or doing things for her. I do mind that I can't talk to her like I used to.
I know I am rambling and repeating, but I have such a sadness in my heart...
Lord, give my the peace to enjoy my portion of Your grace today. Let me find joy in my mother today. Help me to accept all the changes in our lives. I love You, Lord.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
SHAME ON YOU!
Dear Family,
This will be the last automatically delivered Blog entry. I will still be writing in this journal, but I will not be sending them out. If you want to see what I write, I guess you will have to save this web site.
When I say Mom cries all the time, I really mean all the time. If she is awake, she is tearful, sobbing quietly, or outright weeping! She cries out to the Lord "why do You keep me here in so much pain? I should not have lived this long. What's the point of being alive when I can't move without pain!" Scary words for me to listen to...
When the pain pills are at their peak, she is "normal" and talks, well...tells stories that all I have to do is listen. She doesn't want or need any participation from me. And this morning finally, finally, finally she spoke out loud what I have had in my heart for the past two years.
After a rough, painful morning, she was crying for all the "babies" she hadn't seen in so long. When I said she sees them, she said "No, they don't come to see me and I can't go to them," and she said it in anger! So I told her she needed to speak that feeling to her children and she said "No, you know that's not the way I am."
But I am that way, so here it is. Shame on you all! There is no family member without a cell phone. A cell phone that can call anywhere in the United States...but do those cell phones call this house to speak to your mother, grandmother, great grandmother? NO! I have requested over the past two years for you to call on your way to where-ever is more important than here. Mom does not need long conversations; she can't keep up. She just wants to hear the voice of one of her loved ones. How hard can that be to honor that need? Shame on you.
She's the momma. She should not have to be the one to call you! Every one of you (except the good one, Joe, who calls three times a week) should be ashamed of yourselves. So what if you have busy lives. I bet you carve out time to watch TV, go drinking and seeing friends, drive to other cities to see friends and family (more important than your mother/grandmother?), go to a movie, go shopping, etc. etc.
I counted the family members that live here in Baton Rouge. Mike, Sally, Lisa; Laurie, Brent Sr, Mearidith, Kyle; Deanna, Meegan, Heather, and all the additional babies. Also there are family members that come into town, but rarely make it over here to say hi. Shame on you.
I feel like an only child...no one offers to visit long enough for me to take a break, go out with my husband, take a nap, take a walk out in the sun. Whatever! No one offers to pick Mom up for an evening at their house. There is always an excuse...shame on you!
My children allow me to get out on occasion. Melissa or Stephanie will keep watch for me to get out, but what about all the rest of the family? You know, it really isn't about me getting out. I am a home body at heart. I enjoy puttering around the house. I don't need to walk the mall, or go out shopping, etc. So forget about me. Think about your mom/grandmother. She needs to know she is still remembered, loved, and thought of.
I have talked to the Lord about this a lot. I have wanted to speak out for so long. But I must admit, the Lord did not give me the sense that I should speak before now. I feel He has released me to speak, so I will. But this will be the last time I say anything. Some of you will be highly offended. Too bad! Some of you will miss the chance to say "I love you, Mom/Grandma/Granny." How sad!
Go back over some of my old entries and realize how fast Mom is losing ground and then maybe she will get some phone calls from somebody...
This entry is mainly for her children. I realize grandchildren might not have close ties with the grandparent but maybe some of you might want to speak to her before you lose her forever...think about it...
Oh, and by the way, this is not for a one-time phone call. If you are moved by this entry remember she needs contact often. Surely family members in town can come by more than once a month.
I have been (jokingly, with a laugh, most likely really mean it) accused of being bossy and opinionated...well, so be it. Call your mother/grandmother or my opinion of loving family members will be adjusted accordingly.
Like I said, I feel the Lord released me to say these things now. Maybe there is a reason He is letting me speak....
This will be the last automatically delivered Blog entry. I will still be writing in this journal, but I will not be sending them out. If you want to see what I write, I guess you will have to save this web site.
When I say Mom cries all the time, I really mean all the time. If she is awake, she is tearful, sobbing quietly, or outright weeping! She cries out to the Lord "why do You keep me here in so much pain? I should not have lived this long. What's the point of being alive when I can't move without pain!" Scary words for me to listen to...
When the pain pills are at their peak, she is "normal" and talks, well...tells stories that all I have to do is listen. She doesn't want or need any participation from me. And this morning finally, finally, finally she spoke out loud what I have had in my heart for the past two years.
After a rough, painful morning, she was crying for all the "babies" she hadn't seen in so long. When I said she sees them, she said "No, they don't come to see me and I can't go to them," and she said it in anger! So I told her she needed to speak that feeling to her children and she said "No, you know that's not the way I am."
But I am that way, so here it is. Shame on you all! There is no family member without a cell phone. A cell phone that can call anywhere in the United States...but do those cell phones call this house to speak to your mother, grandmother, great grandmother? NO! I have requested over the past two years for you to call on your way to where-ever is more important than here. Mom does not need long conversations; she can't keep up. She just wants to hear the voice of one of her loved ones. How hard can that be to honor that need? Shame on you.
She's the momma. She should not have to be the one to call you! Every one of you (except the good one, Joe, who calls three times a week) should be ashamed of yourselves. So what if you have busy lives. I bet you carve out time to watch TV, go drinking and seeing friends, drive to other cities to see friends and family (more important than your mother/grandmother?), go to a movie, go shopping, etc. etc.
I counted the family members that live here in Baton Rouge. Mike, Sally, Lisa; Laurie, Brent Sr, Mearidith, Kyle; Deanna, Meegan, Heather, and all the additional babies. Also there are family members that come into town, but rarely make it over here to say hi. Shame on you.
I feel like an only child...no one offers to visit long enough for me to take a break, go out with my husband, take a nap, take a walk out in the sun. Whatever! No one offers to pick Mom up for an evening at their house. There is always an excuse...shame on you!
My children allow me to get out on occasion. Melissa or Stephanie will keep watch for me to get out, but what about all the rest of the family? You know, it really isn't about me getting out. I am a home body at heart. I enjoy puttering around the house. I don't need to walk the mall, or go out shopping, etc. So forget about me. Think about your mom/grandmother. She needs to know she is still remembered, loved, and thought of.
I have talked to the Lord about this a lot. I have wanted to speak out for so long. But I must admit, the Lord did not give me the sense that I should speak before now. I feel He has released me to speak, so I will. But this will be the last time I say anything. Some of you will be highly offended. Too bad! Some of you will miss the chance to say "I love you, Mom/Grandma/Granny." How sad!
Go back over some of my old entries and realize how fast Mom is losing ground and then maybe she will get some phone calls from somebody...
This entry is mainly for her children. I realize grandchildren might not have close ties with the grandparent but maybe some of you might want to speak to her before you lose her forever...think about it...
Oh, and by the way, this is not for a one-time phone call. If you are moved by this entry remember she needs contact often. Surely family members in town can come by more than once a month.
I have been (jokingly, with a laugh, most likely really mean it) accused of being bossy and opinionated...well, so be it. Call your mother/grandmother or my opinion of loving family members will be adjusted accordingly.
Like I said, I feel the Lord released me to say these things now. Maybe there is a reason He is letting me speak....
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Brain Sparks
Today was a fairly easy day. Last night was not. I am usually up several times for myself, but add to that the several times I was called by mom, and I find myself sleep deprived. I couldn't even sleep late because I had a morning appointment with my doctor.
All is well with me and my blood work. No signs of pre-diabetes, etc. Blood pressure under control, etc. etc. Thank You Lord, I'm good for another 50,000 thousand miles, ha ha.
Because of little sleep, I did a lot of sitting around in front of the TV. Mom was in her chair and was having a so-so day. She had been doing a lot of complaining about her hip and leg so she had been getting pain meds around the clock. Low grade doses.
This afternoon she was in an "awake" mode. Not that she was able to keep up with any conversations or even follow the TV programing, but she was talking....
All I had to do was listen, smile, nod my head, say uh huh, etc. She started saying memory statements that had no connection to each other. When I realized what she was saying, I got a notebook and started writing down the different directions her brain was going in. It lasted about a half hour...
From out of thin air, mom made a comment about a note Melissa wrote to her dad years ago when she was a little girl. As I was responding to that statement, she told me what a great singer Perry Como was. That followed with how Vicki always ran to their momma and Sylvia always ran to their grandma when they were in trouble and needed a whipping. She followed that memory with a story about her neighbor friend and then about a man her momma knew that used to pull practical jokes on his wife. As she was talking about the DeBens who used to roll cigars at her house with Angie, I realized none of the above statements were complete stories, just disjointed statements. That's when I got the pencil and paper.
3:25pm - There was a man who lived in Pineville around where Melba lived who killed his girlfriend and hung her on a tree. I don't think they ever found the guy who did it.
3:26 - Vicki and I would laugh so hard at Martha Ray. Our neighbor would call through the window that he could hear us. That was a time when no one locked their doors in DeRidder. That's when everybody was celebrating the army troops...
3:30 - when we were going to N.O. and we passed the airport, the planes were so low they scared Laurie.
3:31 - when we visited in the country, everyone had mosquito netting. There were cracks in the walls and floors. Just like at Butch and Diane's house before the fixed it up.
3:32 - I used to know all the theme songs from the radio and that was where I first met Mr. Dietz. I was singing at work and had a banana hanging from my ear, that Chiquita banana song and Mr. Dietz asked who I was...(she said more about him, but I stop listening when she starts on him)
3:35 - the first year in DeRidder daddy called me one morning and asked me if I was awake. When I told him no, he told me to look out the window. It was snowing and he took off to take me around to enjoy the snow.
3:36 I was sitting over the floor furnace and as I was talking, my wedding ring fell into the furnace. I started crying, but daddy got it for me.
3:38 - Remember that country boy on TV from Williamsburg? The one who worked with wood? (we were watching PBS and Norm was on. This was the only statement that was connected to something we were watching!)
3:40 - Martha Chase was a great crocheter. She made little hats and blankets for new born babies in her town. She lived by the mountains and would tell me to be careful when I climbed them. Don was my fun friend. Martha never understood what we were laughing at.
3:45 - I used to love what Martha Stewart used to do on TV. She looked just like her mother.
3:47 - Everyone says I looked like my mother.
3:48 We has so much extra milk when we lived in the country. I asked Frankie if she knew anyone who could use the milk for their kids. There was an army man with kids and his mother. The grandmother gave me a quilt.
3:50 - I had a cane wrapped with rope, and when I was in the bread store someone came along and stole it from me.
3:53 - when we first met with Butch, he thought all you kids were just like me, always having fun. That was when I bought that straight hair wig and had so much fun fooling everybody.
3:54 That was the year the Sound of Music came out. She gave me a big hat and as I was going out, I threw that hat into the air and started to sing "the hills are alive with the sound of music..." Butch just laughed and said I was the only one he could goof around with.
As I was waiting for the next thought to be spoken, I realized she was done. She gazed off into the air and slowly fell asleep. About an hour later she did the same thing again, but I didn't take notes. It didn't last as long. At dinner, she said a few disjointed things and ate her food.
Although I did not write everything down verbatim, the times and what she said are fairly accurate. There were no rational statements in between these comments. She spoke, I listened and wrote, she stopped...
Tonight she is enjoying watching the Golden Girls and I will be helping her to bed in a while. Her leg continues to ache her... She continues to cry...
All is well with me and my blood work. No signs of pre-diabetes, etc. Blood pressure under control, etc. etc. Thank You Lord, I'm good for another 50,000 thousand miles, ha ha.
Because of little sleep, I did a lot of sitting around in front of the TV. Mom was in her chair and was having a so-so day. She had been doing a lot of complaining about her hip and leg so she had been getting pain meds around the clock. Low grade doses.
This afternoon she was in an "awake" mode. Not that she was able to keep up with any conversations or even follow the TV programing, but she was talking....
All I had to do was listen, smile, nod my head, say uh huh, etc. She started saying memory statements that had no connection to each other. When I realized what she was saying, I got a notebook and started writing down the different directions her brain was going in. It lasted about a half hour...
From out of thin air, mom made a comment about a note Melissa wrote to her dad years ago when she was a little girl. As I was responding to that statement, she told me what a great singer Perry Como was. That followed with how Vicki always ran to their momma and Sylvia always ran to their grandma when they were in trouble and needed a whipping. She followed that memory with a story about her neighbor friend and then about a man her momma knew that used to pull practical jokes on his wife. As she was talking about the DeBens who used to roll cigars at her house with Angie, I realized none of the above statements were complete stories, just disjointed statements. That's when I got the pencil and paper.
3:25pm - There was a man who lived in Pineville around where Melba lived who killed his girlfriend and hung her on a tree. I don't think they ever found the guy who did it.
3:26 - Vicki and I would laugh so hard at Martha Ray. Our neighbor would call through the window that he could hear us. That was a time when no one locked their doors in DeRidder. That's when everybody was celebrating the army troops...
3:30 - when we were going to N.O. and we passed the airport, the planes were so low they scared Laurie.
3:31 - when we visited in the country, everyone had mosquito netting. There were cracks in the walls and floors. Just like at Butch and Diane's house before the fixed it up.
3:32 - I used to know all the theme songs from the radio and that was where I first met Mr. Dietz. I was singing at work and had a banana hanging from my ear, that Chiquita banana song and Mr. Dietz asked who I was...(she said more about him, but I stop listening when she starts on him)
3:35 - the first year in DeRidder daddy called me one morning and asked me if I was awake. When I told him no, he told me to look out the window. It was snowing and he took off to take me around to enjoy the snow.
3:36 I was sitting over the floor furnace and as I was talking, my wedding ring fell into the furnace. I started crying, but daddy got it for me.
3:38 - Remember that country boy on TV from Williamsburg? The one who worked with wood? (we were watching PBS and Norm was on. This was the only statement that was connected to something we were watching!)
3:40 - Martha Chase was a great crocheter. She made little hats and blankets for new born babies in her town. She lived by the mountains and would tell me to be careful when I climbed them. Don was my fun friend. Martha never understood what we were laughing at.
3:45 - I used to love what Martha Stewart used to do on TV. She looked just like her mother.
3:47 - Everyone says I looked like my mother.
3:48 We has so much extra milk when we lived in the country. I asked Frankie if she knew anyone who could use the milk for their kids. There was an army man with kids and his mother. The grandmother gave me a quilt.
3:50 - I had a cane wrapped with rope, and when I was in the bread store someone came along and stole it from me.
3:53 - when we first met with Butch, he thought all you kids were just like me, always having fun. That was when I bought that straight hair wig and had so much fun fooling everybody.
3:54 That was the year the Sound of Music came out. She gave me a big hat and as I was going out, I threw that hat into the air and started to sing "the hills are alive with the sound of music..." Butch just laughed and said I was the only one he could goof around with.
As I was waiting for the next thought to be spoken, I realized she was done. She gazed off into the air and slowly fell asleep. About an hour later she did the same thing again, but I didn't take notes. It didn't last as long. At dinner, she said a few disjointed things and ate her food.
Although I did not write everything down verbatim, the times and what she said are fairly accurate. There were no rational statements in between these comments. She spoke, I listened and wrote, she stopped...
Tonight she is enjoying watching the Golden Girls and I will be helping her to bed in a while. Her leg continues to ache her... She continues to cry...
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Another WHAT???
I know some of you, or maybe all of you, are getting tired of reading the daily happenings of the Roule household, but this is my journal and you get to read it...or not!
Laurie visited yesterday and during the conversation (?) mother started talking about apartments and my first one that I shared with Betty. So she says "the only thing I didn't like about your (looking at me) apartment was the picture of that naked lady on your living room wall." WHAT???
Here's the thing...I have never had a picture of a naked lady on my wall! Never!!! Why would I? So after arguing with her, I jokingly said "you must be remembering Laurie's apartment, ha ha." Laurie and I laughed, but mom said "no, I remember it on your (looking at me) wall."
So then I threw Phillip into the mix. "Maybe you are remembering Phil's college apt?" She had a look on her face that was meant to say "I'm right, you are wrong, but I am not going to argue with you." Sorry Phil.
Wow, Phil, maybe it is me who is delusional...what alternate universe have I been living in? Does anyone else remember a picture of a naked lady on any wall of any apartment I have ever lived in?
Having never taken drugs, I can't fall back on "those were my lost years, ha ha." I seem to remember too much about those days, as it is.
So...today while sitting in the living room, she started talking about a movie she had liked from long ago and before she was finished she had combined three different movies into one....
And she told me how she had been mad at me back when I had been pregnant with Deanna and we had gone to Pontchartrain Beach and I rode on the ride that goes around in a circle and the bottom drops out. Some centrifugal force ride.
Now, I was not in N.O. when I was having Deanna. I remember going to a fair with the family in Alexandria and maybe Mom was doing her best to keep me off the rides, but the one ride I would not have ridden besides the Ferris wheel would have been a ride that just circles. Talk about throw up! Never rode one of those! (Is that my memory from my alternate universe?)
There have been days that she had shared her dreams and her memories and I am lost...she is talking about things that I just can't begin to believe ever happened. Maybe there was a desire for these things to take place and her mind is giving her better memories than reality...I try not to respond in a negative sense, but it is hard not to question her words.
So another day passes.
Laurie visited yesterday and during the conversation (?) mother started talking about apartments and my first one that I shared with Betty. So she says "the only thing I didn't like about your (looking at me) apartment was the picture of that naked lady on your living room wall." WHAT???
Here's the thing...I have never had a picture of a naked lady on my wall! Never!!! Why would I? So after arguing with her, I jokingly said "you must be remembering Laurie's apartment, ha ha." Laurie and I laughed, but mom said "no, I remember it on your (looking at me) wall."
So then I threw Phillip into the mix. "Maybe you are remembering Phil's college apt?" She had a look on her face that was meant to say "I'm right, you are wrong, but I am not going to argue with you." Sorry Phil.
Wow, Phil, maybe it is me who is delusional...what alternate universe have I been living in? Does anyone else remember a picture of a naked lady on any wall of any apartment I have ever lived in?
Having never taken drugs, I can't fall back on "those were my lost years, ha ha." I seem to remember too much about those days, as it is.
So...today while sitting in the living room, she started talking about a movie she had liked from long ago and before she was finished she had combined three different movies into one....
And she told me how she had been mad at me back when I had been pregnant with Deanna and we had gone to Pontchartrain Beach and I rode on the ride that goes around in a circle and the bottom drops out. Some centrifugal force ride.
Now, I was not in N.O. when I was having Deanna. I remember going to a fair with the family in Alexandria and maybe Mom was doing her best to keep me off the rides, but the one ride I would not have ridden besides the Ferris wheel would have been a ride that just circles. Talk about throw up! Never rode one of those! (Is that my memory from my alternate universe?)
There have been days that she had shared her dreams and her memories and I am lost...she is talking about things that I just can't begin to believe ever happened. Maybe there was a desire for these things to take place and her mind is giving her better memories than reality...I try not to respond in a negative sense, but it is hard not to question her words.
So another day passes.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Rough Day
Today was not a good day!
I have been dealing with side effects of a cortisone shot and have been sleep deprived. Nevertheless, I do try to get some sleep. But...last night was a night of ups and downs. I would be dozing off and I would hear "Cindy, can I borrow you for a minute?" I would get up to help Mom roll over in bed! Get her settled, kiss her goodnight, and get back to my own bed. And within 15 minutes, she would repeat the process. She was up to sit, up to use the potty, up to turn over, up up up! It was a rough night.
This morning, she doesn't remember a thing about her night. She says "I think I had a good night sleep. I don't think I got up at all." WHAT????
She tossed and turned so much, the sheets were coming off the bed. Her comment was "did the kids do this to my bed?" What kids? When?
Anyway, today she cried all day long. I guess she needed to get it out, but I hated to see her so sad. She couldn't name any one thing that was bothering her, but she just sobbed...Several times she stated she wanted to go home; she missed her home; why can't I go home; why can't we live in her home; etc etc. At first I tried to calm her down and reason with her about why it wouldn't work for her to be in Alex. but it didn't compute, so I just stopped responding to her remarks and let her cry it out.
Tonight, she went to bed without being upset. She watched some TV in her room before getting ready for bed, then she got herself to bed. Now, it's been about a half hour, so I am "holding my breath". I really need to sleep tonight.
Pray she finds rest and peace in Christ tonight, amen.
Tomorrow is a new day!
I have been dealing with side effects of a cortisone shot and have been sleep deprived. Nevertheless, I do try to get some sleep. But...last night was a night of ups and downs. I would be dozing off and I would hear "Cindy, can I borrow you for a minute?" I would get up to help Mom roll over in bed! Get her settled, kiss her goodnight, and get back to my own bed. And within 15 minutes, she would repeat the process. She was up to sit, up to use the potty, up to turn over, up up up! It was a rough night.
This morning, she doesn't remember a thing about her night. She says "I think I had a good night sleep. I don't think I got up at all." WHAT????
She tossed and turned so much, the sheets were coming off the bed. Her comment was "did the kids do this to my bed?" What kids? When?
Anyway, today she cried all day long. I guess she needed to get it out, but I hated to see her so sad. She couldn't name any one thing that was bothering her, but she just sobbed...Several times she stated she wanted to go home; she missed her home; why can't I go home; why can't we live in her home; etc etc. At first I tried to calm her down and reason with her about why it wouldn't work for her to be in Alex. but it didn't compute, so I just stopped responding to her remarks and let her cry it out.
Tonight, she went to bed without being upset. She watched some TV in her room before getting ready for bed, then she got herself to bed. Now, it's been about a half hour, so I am "holding my breath". I really need to sleep tonight.
Pray she finds rest and peace in Christ tonight, amen.
Tomorrow is a new day!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I'm Not Sleeping, So I Am Blogging!
It's 3am Thursday morning. My body is working off a cortisone shot from Wednesday morning. I always forget to tell the doctor of this side effect of those shots. Of course if I need it, I guess I will survive a night without sleep.
The house is asleep. Quiet. Peaceful. I think I like 3am in the morning.
My blood pressure pills needed to be renewed, so I went to see my doctor yesterday morning. While I was waiting for him to come into the examining room I started to think about different things to ask him. Things that I have been living with for so long, that I forget about them as being abnormal.
So...I have a pain in my right foot all the time that really hurts when I walk. Although it also aches when just sitting. The doctor took an x-ray and I have a bone spur sticking into the muscle on the bottom of my foot. (Plantar Fascia). It is also inflamed. No wonder it hurts when I walk. Thus the shot!!!
If the foot didn't heal, he sadly stated he might have to inject straight into the foot. I told him about the shot I just had last month in my right eye. So I figure I can take a shot in the foot! We'll see.
I mentioned a few other worries and that led to peeing in a cup and blood being drawn. Looking for signs of onset diabetes. Will have to wait for test results to address that.
When discussing the blood pressure meds, he wanted to increase the dose of one of the pills. But he was worried about the possible side effects. One of them being depression. I laughed and told him if I didn't have depression now, I would never get it!! But in the end, he just told me to take one in the morning and one at night.
I guess I had a good visit. It got me out of the house for a few hours, ha ha.
The house is asleep. Quiet. Peaceful. I think I like 3am in the morning.
My blood pressure pills needed to be renewed, so I went to see my doctor yesterday morning. While I was waiting for him to come into the examining room I started to think about different things to ask him. Things that I have been living with for so long, that I forget about them as being abnormal.
So...I have a pain in my right foot all the time that really hurts when I walk. Although it also aches when just sitting. The doctor took an x-ray and I have a bone spur sticking into the muscle on the bottom of my foot. (Plantar Fascia). It is also inflamed. No wonder it hurts when I walk. Thus the shot!!!
If the foot didn't heal, he sadly stated he might have to inject straight into the foot. I told him about the shot I just had last month in my right eye. So I figure I can take a shot in the foot! We'll see.
I mentioned a few other worries and that led to peeing in a cup and blood being drawn. Looking for signs of onset diabetes. Will have to wait for test results to address that.
When discussing the blood pressure meds, he wanted to increase the dose of one of the pills. But he was worried about the possible side effects. One of them being depression. I laughed and told him if I didn't have depression now, I would never get it!! But in the end, he just told me to take one in the morning and one at night.
I guess I had a good visit. It got me out of the house for a few hours, ha ha.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
What a Waste of Time! And Other News...
Well, the social worker returned the next week, and what a "ditz". Everything she told me contradicted the information from the first visit. I was under the impression that she was going to initiate the needs and requests, but I was wrong. (and I don't say that often, so she must have given the impression that she would do it!)
I would have to call the Veterans Admin. in order to apply for the Widow's Mite and also to request the flag that should have been given when Daddy died. So, whoever wants it, give them a call. If you need daddy's social security number let me know, but I just don't have the time to start a new assignment.
I would also have to contact the Cancer Society to see if Mom could get Boost to drink. That also requires a doctor's Rx and proof that she has or had cancer. Another assignment I just don't have the energy to start. And since she does eat, I don't feel the need to access that service. So, for now, we are buying what she needs, and we have coupons to redeem.
The physical therapists stopped coming twice a week. Their purpose is for improvement of movement, and at the moment, Mom is doing as little moving as she can. She has refused to do the walking they require as proof that she is trying to improve, so their services have been terminated. She keeps making hints about the wheel chair, but I let her know that is not a good solution. She needs to walk!!! Yes, it hurts, but she needs to keep moving.
We still have the nurse and personal aide coming to take care of her back and give baths. We are going to the Wound Clinic every third week, and she seems to be doing very well. The doctor is pleased with her progress, and she has moved her into phase 2. (different meds for helping close the wound).
So for now, Mom is eating small amounts several times a day, and drinking lots of water and Boost. She spends a lot of time sleeping, but that is a side-effect of old age. She walks into the living room, sits in her chair for an hour or two, walks back to her room, and lays down. Her back is healing but her hip continues to pain her. Her body is in fairly good shape, but her mental abilities slow down daily. Conversations are non-existent. She makes a comment, but she does not need our response.
I used to feel sorry for nursing home residents. Why did the staff just allow them to "be". Now, taking care of an elderly person, I realize what else can you do? If they have trouble walking or hearing or seeing or understanding maybe they could compensate. But when they have all the above, what else can you do for them except care for them?
Both Harry and I have to remind ourselves daily that Mom is not able to do what we used to do with her or what she thinks she can do for herself. And although we want to do more for her, there just isn't more to be done. So we try not to worry about what we aren't doing with her, and find peace in what we can do for her.
Having said all that, early this morning when I got up to go to the bathroom, I peeked into her room. (I look in on her each time I get up just to make sure all is well. Lots of times, in the middle of the night, she is sitting on the side of her bed, but I don't go in. I just let her sit and then she will go back to bed eventually.) Anyway, when I peeked in, she was sitting on the floor!
As I was opening the door wider, she was starting to call me. I have no idea how long she had been on the floor. She said she had just slipped off the side of the bed. She said she didn't really fall, she slipped down with a soft plop! Yeah right, that is what she said about her bathroom fall.
She was very talkative. Adrenalin must have been flowing. It was in me! She went on and on about how she was fine, she was not hurt, etc etc. I had to wake Harry for his help in getting her up on her feet. I checked her back for scrapes and she was able to stand, so we let her go back to bed.
This morning, she was very awake and talkative. I wonder if she was putting on an act to stall me from calling 911? I gave her a pain pill after the fall (oh sorry, slip) and she was acting OK. As the day has gone on, she has done some complaining about her hip hurting her. And wanted a heating pad. I have been questioning her all day about any aches or pains. Her response has been negative, but she still says just her hip hurts as usual.
I told her earlier I was not waiting weeks before we see a doctor. We will be seeing him this coming week if needed. So she might as well tell me the truth about her aches and pains. She is now back in bed taking a nap.
Oops, spoke too soon. I hear her coming into the living room. So I guess I will see if she is hungry for dinner.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Social Worker Visit
Well, today we had a visit from the social worker. She seems to be a nice person... The reason she is here is to see what kind of services we qualify for and to start the procedures needed to receive them.
She said something about a widow's stipend from the Military since daddy was a war veteran. She also was talking about the flag received when daddy died, and I told her I didn't know about any flag. She said the Military sends a framed, folded flag when a veteran dies. She said she was going to ask about if one was issued and if not was going to get us one. So whoever has the framed medals make room for a flag! I don't need something else that needs to be dusted....
Anyway, she said there were services to help with the Boost drink. So if she qualifies (and the worker feels she does) we could be getting a weekly supply of Boost for Mom to drink. But you know what? Since we were told she doesn't have to eat in order to be well, she is eating everything I put in front of her. Talk about reverse psychology.
After a few nights of pain and crying, the medicine gotten this past Monday is starting to do it's job. Mom was able to get some good sleep last night and most of today has been mostly pain free. The "weeping" seems to be less also. Thank you drugs!!
Just finished typing that statement and she is moaning in her chair. I can't win...
She said something about a widow's stipend from the Military since daddy was a war veteran. She also was talking about the flag received when daddy died, and I told her I didn't know about any flag. She said the Military sends a framed, folded flag when a veteran dies. She said she was going to ask about if one was issued and if not was going to get us one. So whoever has the framed medals make room for a flag! I don't need something else that needs to be dusted....
Anyway, she said there were services to help with the Boost drink. So if she qualifies (and the worker feels she does) we could be getting a weekly supply of Boost for Mom to drink. But you know what? Since we were told she doesn't have to eat in order to be well, she is eating everything I put in front of her. Talk about reverse psychology.
After a few nights of pain and crying, the medicine gotten this past Monday is starting to do it's job. Mom was able to get some good sleep last night and most of today has been mostly pain free. The "weeping" seems to be less also. Thank you drugs!!
Just finished typing that statement and she is moaning in her chair. I can't win...
Monday, June 14, 2010
An Afternoon with the Doctor
Whenever we go to the doctor's office, it is to see his PA. She is able to do just about everything the doctor does except hospital stuff and everything she does is reviewed by the doctor and approved. Anyway, when I called today to get an appointment with her, I was told her schedule was full, but I could see Dr. Gehan. Of course I said yes!
I was very impressed with out visit. We got into his office in an acceptable time and he spent almost an hour with us going over test results and giving me general information concerning the elderly.
We decided to bring Mom to the doctor because her back (not the wound) and leg just doesn't seem to be getting better, and we wanted to understand her condition and potential problems. She is having such a hard time walking. So painful...
Anyway, here's what I found out today. Mom's hip is riddled with arthritis and the bones in the hip joint are rubbing together. This condition will never get better. She will always be in pain when she walks and she will slowly wind down into being in a wheelchair when the pain gets too much. Because of her other issues, he does not recommend any kind of corrective surgery.
Her spine has a compression fracture and will most likely never get better. This also will hurt her when she walks. Another reason to end up in a wheelchair. He shared the medical procedures approved for this condition, but also said how research has shown it is an expensive procedure that does not hold up with time. He does not recommend it.
The doctor is giving us pain pills that will take the edge off the pain, but he said nothing will get rid of all the pain...He is not concerned that at her age she will become a drug addict and if she gets any relief from them she should take them.
I was concerned about her not eating and when I told him that she drinks several Boosts a day, he was satisfied with that. He let me know that many elderly people survivie on Boost alone, so when she wants to eat something, thats good, and when she doesn't want to eat, that's ok too. There is a pill to promote appitite, but the side effects could be blood clots and since she has a history of a blood clot he does not recommend that. But since he told me it was ok to just drink your food, I was able to be at peace about that. So now if she wants to eat, she will; when she doesn't want to eat, she will drink...ha ha!
The wound on her lower back is healing nicely so we will continue with the medicines and clinic visits.
The doctor gave us another pill. This one is for depression. I will try it out on her to see if she feels less "weepy". (I just might pop one in my mouth too, ha ha)
Mom argued that she was not depressed and when I said she cried often, she was very offended. I told her that we were with her doctor and he had to know her moods in order to help her. She said she was only depressed because she was not in her home with her doctor doing the things she does at her home.......When I told her I wished I could give her what she wanted, but that she had outlived the usefulness of her old home, the doctor strongly agreed that she was where she needed to be. I believe she selectively did not hear him.
So that was our day. The answers gotten to so many of our concerns was a relief to us, but the answers themselves are sorrowful. Mom is not going to get any better than what she is, and she is slowly (maybe faster than I like) going downhill. The aging process speeds up at this age. Harry and I will have to find peace with her condition and enjoy her for as long as the Lord gives us.
I was very impressed with out visit. We got into his office in an acceptable time and he spent almost an hour with us going over test results and giving me general information concerning the elderly.
We decided to bring Mom to the doctor because her back (not the wound) and leg just doesn't seem to be getting better, and we wanted to understand her condition and potential problems. She is having such a hard time walking. So painful...
Anyway, here's what I found out today. Mom's hip is riddled with arthritis and the bones in the hip joint are rubbing together. This condition will never get better. She will always be in pain when she walks and she will slowly wind down into being in a wheelchair when the pain gets too much. Because of her other issues, he does not recommend any kind of corrective surgery.
Her spine has a compression fracture and will most likely never get better. This also will hurt her when she walks. Another reason to end up in a wheelchair. He shared the medical procedures approved for this condition, but also said how research has shown it is an expensive procedure that does not hold up with time. He does not recommend it.
The doctor is giving us pain pills that will take the edge off the pain, but he said nothing will get rid of all the pain...He is not concerned that at her age she will become a drug addict and if she gets any relief from them she should take them.
I was concerned about her not eating and when I told him that she drinks several Boosts a day, he was satisfied with that. He let me know that many elderly people survivie on Boost alone, so when she wants to eat something, thats good, and when she doesn't want to eat, that's ok too. There is a pill to promote appitite, but the side effects could be blood clots and since she has a history of a blood clot he does not recommend that. But since he told me it was ok to just drink your food, I was able to be at peace about that. So now if she wants to eat, she will; when she doesn't want to eat, she will drink...ha ha!
The wound on her lower back is healing nicely so we will continue with the medicines and clinic visits.
The doctor gave us another pill. This one is for depression. I will try it out on her to see if she feels less "weepy". (I just might pop one in my mouth too, ha ha)
Mom argued that she was not depressed and when I said she cried often, she was very offended. I told her that we were with her doctor and he had to know her moods in order to help her. She said she was only depressed because she was not in her home with her doctor doing the things she does at her home.......When I told her I wished I could give her what she wanted, but that she had outlived the usefulness of her old home, the doctor strongly agreed that she was where she needed to be. I believe she selectively did not hear him.
So that was our day. The answers gotten to so many of our concerns was a relief to us, but the answers themselves are sorrowful. Mom is not going to get any better than what she is, and she is slowly (maybe faster than I like) going downhill. The aging process speeds up at this age. Harry and I will have to find peace with her condition and enjoy her for as long as the Lord gives us.
Monday, June 7, 2010
General Ramblings
There are so many thoughts running through my head, I wish they would slow down...
As the wound on Mom's back shrinks, as the medicine is stopping the infection that has had free reign in her body for who knows how long, as she has so many people doing for her, she is slowing down to a stop.
It takes forever just to walk from her chair to her bedroom. It's a major ordeal to get her into the car for doctor visits. She complains about her groin and the pain there when walking. Knowing she has a wheelchair for when we go out, she is angling for it to be brought into the house. I keep telling her that to give in and stop walking is to stop living and the next step is a nursing home...
She is eating enough to stay alive but wonders why she is always nauseated...I can't get her to understand her stomach is crying out for food!!! Of course, Sally has shared that stopping eating is part of the end process...
When asked if she is ready to stop trying to get better, she is appalled that I would even ask, so I have to remind her of her reluctance in doing the things needed to get well.
I have a monitor to listen for her when she is in her room. She does not know that it is there. When she is alone, she does not make a lot of noise, but when I am in the room, the noise and faces she makes just to turn over in bed is laughable. Almost like a small child "playing" her parent...
She calls me into the room to scratch her arm!!! The part that itches is under a sleeve covering the PICC line and she says she doesn't know where to scratch without pulling something. I can understand her reluctance to scratch what she can't see, but come on...to call me from another room just to scratch an arm??? I tell her to scratch till she hits something that hurts, then stop...
Gotta go. Doctors to see today. Getting into a car with faulty air conditioning with an old lady, a little girl, and an old man. Thank you Lord for another opportunity to call on Your name and trust that You will be the peace in my day, amen.
As the wound on Mom's back shrinks, as the medicine is stopping the infection that has had free reign in her body for who knows how long, as she has so many people doing for her, she is slowing down to a stop.
It takes forever just to walk from her chair to her bedroom. It's a major ordeal to get her into the car for doctor visits. She complains about her groin and the pain there when walking. Knowing she has a wheelchair for when we go out, she is angling for it to be brought into the house. I keep telling her that to give in and stop walking is to stop living and the next step is a nursing home...
She is eating enough to stay alive but wonders why she is always nauseated...I can't get her to understand her stomach is crying out for food!!! Of course, Sally has shared that stopping eating is part of the end process...
When asked if she is ready to stop trying to get better, she is appalled that I would even ask, so I have to remind her of her reluctance in doing the things needed to get well.
I have a monitor to listen for her when she is in her room. She does not know that it is there. When she is alone, she does not make a lot of noise, but when I am in the room, the noise and faces she makes just to turn over in bed is laughable. Almost like a small child "playing" her parent...
She calls me into the room to scratch her arm!!! The part that itches is under a sleeve covering the PICC line and she says she doesn't know where to scratch without pulling something. I can understand her reluctance to scratch what she can't see, but come on...to call me from another room just to scratch an arm??? I tell her to scratch till she hits something that hurts, then stop...
Gotta go. Doctors to see today. Getting into a car with faulty air conditioning with an old lady, a little girl, and an old man. Thank you Lord for another opportunity to call on Your name and trust that You will be the peace in my day, amen.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
More Than Bargained For
At the beginning of May, we went to the doctor for a good checkup for Mom. We talked about everything from head to toe. We talked about the wound in her back and my discontent with the surgeon supposedly handling her case. Even the doctor was surprised that not much was being done toward healing except waiting....
So, we went for ex rays-head to toe- to see if anything was amiss due to the fall she had. Although her shoulder pains her from time to time, there are no problems with that part of her body. She has some damaged disks in her neck, but she has had those for a long time. Also, there were no breaks or cracks in her hips, but there was a cracked vertebrae at the tip of her spine. Nothing to do for that except let it slowly heal.
We were sent to a wound clinic to have her back wound assessed and the decision is that it can be healed, but it will take time since it is so advanced. New ex rays show suspicion of bone infection and there is deep muscle damage. All this is making her walking painful, so she doesn't do a lot of moving around. We now have to go to this clinic once a week for assessment and treatment and I have to continue the treatments at home.
Mom's doctor got us into a home health care program and we now have a nurse, an aide, and a physical therapist coming twice a week for various care needs.
Last Monday, while at the wound clinic, it was decided stronger medicine was needed to clear up infection. So yesterday we were at the Imaging Center to have a double port PICC line installed in Mom's right arm. Then we went to a Vital Care Clinic for the first installment of medicine and instructions for me to continue them at home. We came home with an ice chest filled with supplies and medicine that will be refilled on a weekly basis for the next 6 weeks, YIKES! One of the medicines is given every 24 hours, but the other one is every six hours. So at 6am, noon, 6pm, and midnight we are taking drugs.
Mom's bedroom is starting to look like a pharmacy. All the different supplies needed are stockpiling on a book case. Any one else in the house gets hurt, I'll be able to medicate and bandage from small to large.
Oh, we also have a hospital bed for her. We needed to get one in order to receive the gel mattress to help relieve pressure when she is sleeping. It's pretty nice, electric up and down.
So, with the hospital bed, the doctor visits, the home health care visits, the PICC in her arm, etc, etc, etc, I am having a time reminding her she is not an invalid. Health issues? Yes. Invalid? No.
Now we are entering summer vacation. Kara has one week left of school, then she will be home with us. "Hotel Roule" is busting out at the seams, but we all manage to get through the days. It's a juggling act to see who gets into the bathroom first on some days...We really need to expand, but I am afraid that if we enlarge, more relatives will appear....
So goes our days...
So, we went for ex rays-head to toe- to see if anything was amiss due to the fall she had. Although her shoulder pains her from time to time, there are no problems with that part of her body. She has some damaged disks in her neck, but she has had those for a long time. Also, there were no breaks or cracks in her hips, but there was a cracked vertebrae at the tip of her spine. Nothing to do for that except let it slowly heal.
We were sent to a wound clinic to have her back wound assessed and the decision is that it can be healed, but it will take time since it is so advanced. New ex rays show suspicion of bone infection and there is deep muscle damage. All this is making her walking painful, so she doesn't do a lot of moving around. We now have to go to this clinic once a week for assessment and treatment and I have to continue the treatments at home.
Mom's doctor got us into a home health care program and we now have a nurse, an aide, and a physical therapist coming twice a week for various care needs.
Last Monday, while at the wound clinic, it was decided stronger medicine was needed to clear up infection. So yesterday we were at the Imaging Center to have a double port PICC line installed in Mom's right arm. Then we went to a Vital Care Clinic for the first installment of medicine and instructions for me to continue them at home. We came home with an ice chest filled with supplies and medicine that will be refilled on a weekly basis for the next 6 weeks, YIKES! One of the medicines is given every 24 hours, but the other one is every six hours. So at 6am, noon, 6pm, and midnight we are taking drugs.
Mom's bedroom is starting to look like a pharmacy. All the different supplies needed are stockpiling on a book case. Any one else in the house gets hurt, I'll be able to medicate and bandage from small to large.
Oh, we also have a hospital bed for her. We needed to get one in order to receive the gel mattress to help relieve pressure when she is sleeping. It's pretty nice, electric up and down.
So, with the hospital bed, the doctor visits, the home health care visits, the PICC in her arm, etc, etc, etc, I am having a time reminding her she is not an invalid. Health issues? Yes. Invalid? No.
Now we are entering summer vacation. Kara has one week left of school, then she will be home with us. "Hotel Roule" is busting out at the seams, but we all manage to get through the days. It's a juggling act to see who gets into the bathroom first on some days...We really need to expand, but I am afraid that if we enlarge, more relatives will appear....
So goes our days...
Friday, April 30, 2010
Results of a Fall
We are in week three after a fall in the bathroom. At the time, Mom refused to go see a doctor proclaiming the fall was not a major deal. But since she is still going very slow when going at all...something must have been hurt more than she admits.
Does she have the right to turn down a doctor visit, or are we supposed to force the issue? When asked if she wants to see the doctor, she perks up and attempts to walk correctly, eat and drink, and stay awake as long as she can. So we wonder if she really is hurt, or just "old". Does her fear of being put in the hospital cause her to adjust her actions and hide the pain, or is she really feeling better?
Her mornings are the best time for her, but lately she has been feeling nauseated when waking up. Another symptom of aging? Some days her appetite is great, and some days she barely eats anything. She sits in her chair all day long and turns down any offers of change...i.e. sit on the porch, take a ride, etc.
Never having been in the position of watching someone grow old, we are daily concerned about what is to be expected and what should be addressed. Do we let her slowly go downhill, or do we spend time seeing doctors in an attempt to prolong the inevitable. Does "quality" count more than "quantity"?
She's in pain, her eyes are bad, her hearing is bad, her memory is going, her ability to carry on a conversation is diminished, she doesn't want me to call any of her friends for her, she can't stay awake, food doesn't interest her and I just found out that her teeth/gums are in turmoil. Yikes!! And yet if anyone calls and talks to her, she will not let on that any of this is going on.
So again, I wonder how much do we let happen and how often do we interfere...
so goes our days...
Does she have the right to turn down a doctor visit, or are we supposed to force the issue? When asked if she wants to see the doctor, she perks up and attempts to walk correctly, eat and drink, and stay awake as long as she can. So we wonder if she really is hurt, or just "old". Does her fear of being put in the hospital cause her to adjust her actions and hide the pain, or is she really feeling better?
Her mornings are the best time for her, but lately she has been feeling nauseated when waking up. Another symptom of aging? Some days her appetite is great, and some days she barely eats anything. She sits in her chair all day long and turns down any offers of change...i.e. sit on the porch, take a ride, etc.
Never having been in the position of watching someone grow old, we are daily concerned about what is to be expected and what should be addressed. Do we let her slowly go downhill, or do we spend time seeing doctors in an attempt to prolong the inevitable. Does "quality" count more than "quantity"?
She's in pain, her eyes are bad, her hearing is bad, her memory is going, her ability to carry on a conversation is diminished, she doesn't want me to call any of her friends for her, she can't stay awake, food doesn't interest her and I just found out that her teeth/gums are in turmoil. Yikes!! And yet if anyone calls and talks to her, she will not let on that any of this is going on.
So again, I wonder how much do we let happen and how often do we interfere...
so goes our days...
Friday, March 26, 2010
Quarterly Update!
Apparently I am unable to get used to writing journal entries on a regular basis. Good news to those who don't want to read them...
Anyway, although there have been emails sent to update family members on our conditions here, I guess I need to write it all down for continuity sake. So we take a step back to the beginning of 2010.
There was a long entry in my blog at the end of January.
In early February, Phil and Donna came down for a quick visit. We have had a few dinners with different saints from here in B.R. Mom enjoyed the visits and the singing in our impromptu home meetings. Although she enjoys the visits, it takes her days to recover. No one sees it but us. She puts on a "company face" when people visit, then sleeps for hours when company leaves.
Then Mom started having more bad days than good days and eventually ended up in the Hospital with a major bladder infection. It's not as if we didn't take her to the doctor and get drugs for home cure, but the drugs just weren't strong enough...so into the hospital she went.
While in the hospital, there was an open wound discovered on her lower back. (polite was of saying butt crack). After her bladder was under control, she was released and we were told to visit a plastic surgeon for her back problem. After the doctor's visit, the choice was to see if it would heal on it's own. Surgery is not looking good for it. The doctor is afraid even with the surgery, the opening would not heal properly. This looks like a condition she (we) will have to deal with for a long time.
March has been slow and easy. Our days are pretty routine. We have had a few visitors, a few phone callers...This past weekend, Joe flew in for a visit. We were able to gather most of the family this past Monday night for a family spaghetti dinner. It was loud. It was crowded. It was oh so good. Everyone enjoyed visiting with Joe and each other, and there were pictures taken for remembering. Those have been posted on facebook and sent out in emails.
But again, Mom is taking days to recoup her energy from that night. We have to be politely forceful with her to eat enough each day to stay semi well. She does a lot of sleeping in her chair and in bed...
Anyway, although there have been emails sent to update family members on our conditions here, I guess I need to write it all down for continuity sake. So we take a step back to the beginning of 2010.
There was a long entry in my blog at the end of January.
In early February, Phil and Donna came down for a quick visit. We have had a few dinners with different saints from here in B.R. Mom enjoyed the visits and the singing in our impromptu home meetings. Although she enjoys the visits, it takes her days to recover. No one sees it but us. She puts on a "company face" when people visit, then sleeps for hours when company leaves.
Then Mom started having more bad days than good days and eventually ended up in the Hospital with a major bladder infection. It's not as if we didn't take her to the doctor and get drugs for home cure, but the drugs just weren't strong enough...so into the hospital she went.
While in the hospital, there was an open wound discovered on her lower back. (polite was of saying butt crack). After her bladder was under control, she was released and we were told to visit a plastic surgeon for her back problem. After the doctor's visit, the choice was to see if it would heal on it's own. Surgery is not looking good for it. The doctor is afraid even with the surgery, the opening would not heal properly. This looks like a condition she (we) will have to deal with for a long time.
March has been slow and easy. Our days are pretty routine. We have had a few visitors, a few phone callers...This past weekend, Joe flew in for a visit. We were able to gather most of the family this past Monday night for a family spaghetti dinner. It was loud. It was crowded. It was oh so good. Everyone enjoyed visiting with Joe and each other, and there were pictures taken for remembering. Those have been posted on facebook and sent out in emails.
But again, Mom is taking days to recoup her energy from that night. We have to be politely forceful with her to eat enough each day to stay semi well. She does a lot of sleeping in her chair and in bed...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Is Sylvia Well?
Yesterday, it was beautiful outside. The sun was shinning and the temperature was a comfortable 73/74. So....we decided to take a ride. Mom was asked and she said yes, so off we went.
We first went to eat lunch. She ate and carried on a conversation that gave no indication that she was not feeling well. She is good at "keeping up appearances". Although getting her from the car, into Taco Bell, and then back into the car after eating was a trial to her.
We drove around just to enjoy the day, but when I would try to talk to Mom, it was an effort on her part to hear and respond. I would ask if she wanted to go back home, but the answer was always no. I did notice that she spent most of the riding with her eyes closed. I really think she gets dizzy when trying to focus...she will not admit she has trouble seeing. In fact, I believe she is more blind that sighted.
Anyway, we went to K Mart to shop and look around. She has her wheelchair, so her only exercise was to exit the car and sit down. We did all the pushing...she did all the riding.
On the way home, she was dozing and complaining of how tired she was. What??? When we got home, she sat down in her chair and fell asleep. And slept off and on for the rest of the evening. She laid down for an hour or two, got up, slept in her chair, went back to bed.
She did not eat anything else for the rest of the day, and most days she eats and snacks throughout. I gave her crackers at the side of her bed because she was saying her stomach felt queasy. She ate one over the next several hours!!!
This morning she was later than usual coming out of her bedroom, and I was a little nervous about opening her door. When I did, I found her sitting on the side of her bed looking very poorly. She was talking "weakly" and just sitting. I have been waiting for her to come out and she is still in her bedroom. I guess if I looked in on her I would find her back in bed. (just looked, and yes she is back to laying down.)
Both Harry and I thought she wanted to go out yesterday. She got up and had a good morning. She was talking and praying with us and acted excited about getting out. She has stated several times to phone callers how she was doing a lot of staying in her chair. The weather has been cold and rainy and she was looking forward to a sunny day to get out....
Last week we had her on antibiotics for her recurring bladder infection. She perked back up after the medicine. We thought she was doing good. I have to continually remind myself and Harry that we cannot respond to some of the comments she makes. Her memory of days gone by is the foundation she speaks on, but her reality is very different. What she says she wants is usually different to what she is able to do.
I realize she does a lot of sitting around and I feel as if I should be forcing her to get up and DO something. She used to wash morning dishes and fold towels, etc. to contribute to the working of the household, but she has stopped doing those things. Since I never asked her to do those things but did not stop her from doing them I was not offended when she slowed down. I want her to have an easy routine, to enjoy her days, to talk to friends...
I think about how she talks of the things that kept her busy "back home" and how much she worked around her house and wonder if I did wrong in bringing her here to Baton Rouge. Then I start thinking of the condition of her home when we made the decision to move her, and I have to admit her speaking is in memory of days gone by. Over the past year as I would take her back to Alexandria for visits, I would watch how she would act in her home, but I have to admit she did the same there and she does here. Sleeps off and on all day long, and does not do anything for the upkeep of the house.
She talks about missing her home, her front porch, her family....but she will not go outside to sit to enjoy the sun here and she never wants me to call anyone for her. If she is called, she talks, but she will not initiate the call. And in all the times we went back to Alexandria, she never sat on her porch. She would make excuses of sitting out later, tomorrow, when it's warmer, when it's cooler.... So once again, I have to remind myself to let her comments float away without comments from me. (please no comments about how hard that must be for me, ha ha)
My personal opinion is that Mom is depressed. She wants to be back in Alexandria, she has not accepted her need to be here, she feels she has to go along with what we make her do. She wants to be in Alexandria. She thinks it would be like it was 10 years ago (she does not have a clear view of how is was last year). I hate to think about more drugs.
Then she does something that makes my personal opinion change to old age dementia (I think she took a shower with her hearing aids in, and they are not supposed to get wet, so I think they don't work so good anymore). Maybe it's both!
Anyway...here we are. Another day to praise the Lord and enjoy family. I love my momma and I am glad I have this opportunity to share our lives. She will never be a burden. She will always be a blessing! I know harder days are coming and I expect the Lord to get us all through. He is able to do it, amen!
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